The Abused CLAMP Characters Union
by MeyRevived2
Summary: ubaru and Kamui decided they've had enough of Clamp's abuse! they form a union of all other abused Clamp characters and strike to stop the maltreatment! COMPLETE
1. Laying the Foundations

Disclaimer: I don't own any of Clamp's characters.

A.N: many thanks to Whitesakura, Kakyou-luverx and Master Elora Dannan for advising for this fic!

And many thanks to my beta, Koichi!

This fic starts at chapter 23 of the series.

* * *

**Chapter 1 – Laying the foundations**

Kamui walked into Subaru's little apartment. His back was arched and his head's bow forced him to look upon the floor constantly. Not that he minded; his mood was so down that the floor was just fine for him, never mind how gray and common it appeared before him all the time.

He carried his shinken with him, covered in its dark red cloth. He was about to have the final fight with Fuma, _the _fight with Fuma, and boy, did he want to do _anything_ but that.

But it was fate; it was destiny for him to fight Fuma and so Kamui went to the battle, unwilling and miserable.

Before he went to his death, or the death of Fuma, Kamui had to go and stop by his old friend's place for a little chat…..

A little chat, yeah right. From what Kamui had seen of the onmyouji after his old loved one's death, and from what he heard from any other Seal who came to check up on him from time to time, Subaru was there, but not really _there_. Though there were stories of a single cigarette in Subaru's hand from visit to visit, when Subaru was spoken to he made no form of answer. Whenan attempt to get him off of that damned chair was made, he showed no resisting movement nor did he completely cooperate.

Kamui opened the door and saw what he expected; Subaru sat on the chair, legs open, and arms on armrests, back straight, head forward. The light from the window shone on one green eye, hiding with the room's shadow the white marble one.

Kamui often wondered if Subaru knew he was working muscles to keep his body so upright and if that in itself was a form of saying 'there's still something in here, see? See?' but he gave up that thought about three visits ago.

He walked up to the sitting man and knelt at his feet, placing the shinken by him. He laid his head on the thin knee, inhaling the faint scent of cigarettes that soaked into the fabric of Subaru's pants.

For a while he sat there in the wonderful silence, in the wonderful vacancy and realized just what lured Subaru into this state: if he himself stayed here then Fuma wouldn't fight him and the battle would pass them by! Staying here would mean not facing anything out there.

But Kamui's been there before, inside the warmest and most protective place in the world where he was most unlikely to be hurt by anything. And who yanked him out of there? Who made him not able to run away like that again? Who, if not the great and mighty Subaru, who was here right now sitting in his oblivion ignoring and avoiding things?

Some mentor he was, telling him not to run away then running away himself….

Kamui didn't realize it, but all that he thought, he said out loud.

"And Fuma, what am I going to do with him?…. How the hell am I going to bring him back?...oh god…why me!" he began crying, turning to bury his face in the slim leg as much as he could. "Why me of all the children? Why me and my mother? Why Saya and Kyogo, why Kotori? Why Fuma! Aren't there enough other strange half love triangle kind of childhood friendships in Tokyo that _I _had to be picked for this thing!" Now he was angry. "And why did he have to kill Kotori like _that_! She was on a life maintenance system; couldn't he just unplug her! Why all the blood? All the horror! And why molest me while he's at it! Oh god!"

Kamui sat there babbling his troubles away talking to thin air, often sinking into crying fits, often dealing little frustrated blows to the floor beneath him. Suddenly something cut his speech. A voice he knew came from above him.

"Abused."

Kamui waited for other voices in his head to join in the chorus since Subaru hadn'tspoken a word since chapter 16 and was highly unlikely to say anything _now, _so he must be going insane.

With a vain attempt to maybe find that he wasn't insane, Kamui raised his head to see that Subaru was indeed somewhat out of his trance. The onmyouji_ stared down at _him! He _looked at _him! And earlier, he _SPOKE _ to him!

Kamui jumped to his feet, his shinken forgotten, and noted with joy that the green eye along with the white one followed his face! "What did you say?" he smiled for the first time in what seemed like a millennia. His smiling muscles ached with the sudden exercise.

"I said 'abused' because that's what we are, the both of us. Abused Clamp characters, Kamui, and I've had enough of it!" Subaru not only spoke fluently and clearly now, he got up from his chair and began pacing around the room!

Kamui tried to recall if he ate anything earlier that could induce any sort of hallucination but he found none.

"Su…Subaru, what do you mean 'Clamp' characters? What are you talking about? What abuses us are our destiny and this whole battle of the apocalypse thing!" he tried keeping up with Subaru's fast pacing around the small room.

"Destiny, bah!" the onmyoujimade a dismissive stabbing motion with his hand holding a cigarette about to be lit and smoked "It's all Clamp's fault that's what it is! And you know what?" He walked all the way to Kamui, ignoring the fact that the boy began coughing violently at the close vicinity of the now lit cigarette. "I'm not having any of it anymore!"

Once Kamui cleared his vision of tears from the smoke and his head from the heavy dizziness coughing a lot made him he focused himself finally on what Subaru was saying. "Who is Clamp?"

"Clamp are the four Japanese women who write and draw us. _They_ decide what happens to us, not fate, not destiny, none of that crap! It's their entire fault Kamui. Everything bad that happens to us, every pain and problem, **all their fault!**"

Kamui blinked a few times before the idea sunk into his mind fully "You….you mean…Kotori and Fuma…?"

"All their plotting" Subaru opened the window once he himself realized that the smoke he was giving off made the room into a foggy mess.

"And….and my wounds…?" Kamui mumbled, looking at his still bandages arms.

"All their devising; they decide _where_ you'll be hurt, they decide _how_ much you'll be hurt. They _draw_ everything!"

Kamui stood in silence, inhaling the fresh air and feeling dizzier even despite that fact.

"I've had enough of that. You know Kamui, seven(7) books, **seven **books they ran around showing how wonderful my life was and how happy I was with my wonderful sister and my strange yet loving vet friend who ran around me all the time. Then I fellin love with him and just when I realized it he….no _THEY _madehim be this evil assassin that was about to kill me and guess what? They madehim kill my sister instead of me!" Hewalked over to Kamui, grabbing the boy by his frail shoulders. "And they don't even let me die! They keep me here! Here to suffer more!Why….why….?" He looked around, remembering Kamui's reaction to the smoke. "They even make you extra sensitive to cigarettes so that we'll never be able to live together so that, god forbid, we might find happiness with each other!"

Kamui only appeared to be somewhere in his own atmosphere, but he was actually paying careful attention to everything Subaru said and his own mind began working. "Yeah! You know what? Me too! Finally I get a chance to go back to Tokyo and revive some part of my miserable life after watching my own mother burn to death and what do they do? They kill Kyogo-san off! They kill my only blood relation! They kill off Kotori and they make Fuma into this monster!"

"Yes, Kamui!" Subaru turned to the boy after standing with his back to him. He pointed a finger in his direction, his seeing eye blazing "You, too, are an abused Clamp character!"

Kamui's eyes blazed as well now. He straightened his back, clutched his fists and frowned in deep anger. "Well, I have had enough Subaru! I've had just about enough!" he kicked his shinken away, as away as Subaru's little apartment allowed it. "I'm not having any of it anymore! I'm not going to fight Fuma; I'm not going out there to keep this stupid battle! I'm…I'm…I'm…I'M ON STRIKE!" he called out, climbing on the chair Subaru occupied earlier, finger raised high in the air.

Awe filled, Subaru stared up at him with his own mind in the feverish rebellion "A strike! Yes! A brilliant idea! A strike! And I shall open a strike as well! We'll both have a strike! No more abuse from Clamp!"

Just as they were in the very height of their fighting spirit, a knock was heard on the door. Both angst boys flinched and turned to the door, expecting it to be Clamp, or Fuma, or anyone else that would walk in and spoil their suddenly high spirits.

Instead Aoki Seiichiro walked in, or rolled in, for he was still in his neck brace and wheelchair, yet his smile was as kind as ever. He stared at Subaru in his sudden energetic mood and at Kamui still standing on the chair and the shinken obvious discarded, away from him.

"I couldn't help hearing your conversation and I think I may have some tips for you" he smiled his lovely smile that only happily-married-with-children-oh-i-love-my-family-so-much-oh-my-life-is-so-perfect people can smile.

The two abused characters watched this smile and found themselves disgusted, yet also unable to say anything about it for who are they to question or, god forbid, besmirch one's happiness once one is a Clamp character in X and is _truly_ happy.

"Well, one tip actually, ha ha ha" he beamed, making both Subaru and Kamui nearly fold in half with the sudden nausea that grasped their bodies.

"Tips about what?" Kamui, who finally realized that standing on a chair the way he was must look awfully silly and climbed off of Subaru's seat and walked up to the wind master in his wheelchair.

"Well, you see, in order to actually run a strike you need to be in a union. Currently you're Clamp characters, which is fine, but if you want to be able to have a legitimate strike you need to be a part of a union within the rest of the Clamp characters."

That left Subaru and Kamui somewhat out of words. Here was a chance for them to maybe stop this ongoing torture that was their lives under Clamp and there it went flying away with rules and regulations. Both stared at each other, exchanging anguished looks.

Seiichiro looked at them in their miserable state and his whole and happy heart ached for his tormented comrades "But, umm, say…why don't you form a union?"

Two heads rose from the miserable bow they had sunk into. One pair of violet eyes, one green eye and one marble white eye turned to him with a glitter of hope in each.

"Us? Form a union? Can we do that?" Kamui sat down at the chair. Subaru walked up to the chair, clutching at its back with his excitement.

"Why, yes…well, not just the two of you although I suppose a two men union is also a sort of union…."

"Yes!" Subaru made Kamui and Seiichiro jump in their seats at the uncharacteristic yell from the usual silent and stoic Dragon of Heaven.

Subaru walked dramatically between Kamui and Seiichiro, turning from one to the other as his speech went on

"We shall form a union in which we will gather every Clamp character ever to be abused in those women's history! We will sit together and strike and we will say (he raised his fist dramatically, anime style) 'Clamp, no! I will no longer participate in plots that only bring me pain and anguish! I am having no more of it!' What say you, comrades?" he turned, fire in his eyes….eye, to Kamui and Seiichiro.

"Well," the editor flashed another light filled smile, "besides the fact that I'm currently half beaten to death, I'm perfectly happy! I mean, both my nephew and a good friend of mine were killed brutally by Dragons of Earth, but compared to you guys, it's a scratch! So I can't really call myself an abused character but hey, good luck boys!"

And with that he turned his wheelchair to the door.

"Ummm, Aoki-san?"

"Yes Subaru?"

"The elevator's been stuck on the bottom floor for weeks now and this is the 32d floor, how did you get up here in a wheelchair?"

"Ah! The hole in the plot helped me," Seiichiro beamed.

Seiichiro rolled himself out of Subaru's apartment. A few moments later, the sound of a surprised man falling down was suddenly heard.

"Umm, Subaru, what was that?"

"Sounded like someone falling very fast while not having expected that to happen."

They rushed out of the small room to see what had happened. The elevator door on Subaru's flat was open and wheel marks showed that it was Seiichiro who had accidentally rolled himself into his own sure doom.

"My god! He fell down the elevator shaft!" Kamui tried looking down to see if there was any hope for the wind master. "And after we talked to him about the elevator being broke!" The darkness below made him cringe and look back to Subaru.

The onmyouji stood, suddenly pale and somewhat scared, shaking and staring at something to his left.

"What is it Subaru? What's wrong?"

Subaru didn't answer. Instead he took a note that was stuck to the doorframe and showed it to Kamui.

The note read:

"_Dear Sumeragi-san and Shiro-kun,_

_We made him forget about the elevator._

_Clamp._

_P.S: good luck with the union"_

Suddenly Kamui felt somewhat dizzy.

* * *

Despite the earlier semi-threat, the two Dragons of Heaven proceeded to form their union, determined to end their misery once and for all, or at least use the strike as a way to negotiate their conditions with their creators.

They settled in at a nice little cottage in the Tokyo suburbs where no kekkai stood close by (just in case Clamp might try to conveniently point to Fuma that there is a one there that he can destroy, thus demolishing their headquarters).

Above the gate they hung a simple black-on-white sign that read

"The Abused Clamp Characters Union"

Under which stood another sign which's letters were written in a slightly bigger font and in red that read

"No entry for fangirls, otakus and other non-Clamp personnel!" just to keep any nosy passers by from entering.

On a more realistic point of view it was only to keep the fangirls out (which is also why the word describing them was underlined twice with a black marker).

In the cottage, Subaru and Kamui sat to a cup of tea and waited for new members to walk in and join them at their strike.

The first one came about three minutes after they hung the signs up. The new member not so much of knocked on their door as much as he banged on it, sounding a light thud shortly afterwards.

Subaru opened the door and found Kakyou sprawled on the doormat, deep in sleep. From a nearby electric pole, a few cables withdrew and returned to their places; obviously, they were the ones who brought the dreamgazer over under Satsuki's computerized command.

Kamui, who walked to the door as well, crouched by the sleeping man and picked up an envelope that lay in the dreamgazer's palm.

The envelope and the paper had the Four Seasons Hotel logo at their head.

On the envelope, in a delicate somewhat feminine writing the following words were written 'open this in case I'm asleep when you answer the door.'

Kamui complied and opened the envelope, unfolding the crisp sheet of paper and reading its contents out loud so that Subaru would hear it as well.

"_Dear Sumeragi-san and Kamui (the nice one),_

_I think I can call myself an abused Clamp Character therefore I'd like to join your union. _

_I'll gladly strike with you, though I highly doubt I'll be of any help in case you'd want to go out on a demonstration or something like that._

_Kak……" _

The last word was somewhat scribbled from the first letter until the end was just a long slightly shaky line downwards to the end of the sheet.

"That must be where he fell asleep," Kamui examined the descending line of ink while Subaru picked the light bodied dreamgazer from the floor. "He must have fallen asleep on the pen as well or he wouldn't have that nasty ink stain on his cheek." He winced at the sight of the circular dark blue stain on the pale skin.

"I'll go inside and clean it off of him" Subaru carried Kakyou inside the house while Kamui followed him.

Now, they sat at the little tea table, waiting for more members to come over. The somewhat annoying yet rhythmical sound of Kakyou's snoring was the background for their silent musing as they sipped their tea, stroke and waited.

* * *

The next new member was also the first member who was not an X character. Subaru opened the door to see a young high school girl in her white and blue school uniform, smiling kindly at him.

At first he wondered how anyone with a smile on their face can consider themselves worthy of calling themselves abused Clamp characters, but as he eyed her clothing more carefully, he realized that there might be a good reason for her to be here.

Over her usual sailor-like shirt and modest blue skirt the long haired girl was wearing something that looked like a crossover between a corset and an armored suit.

Before he could say a word, the girl stormed in, examined everyone in the room and, with a deep sigh of relief, began taking her armor off. She stopped dead for a second and whipped her head at Kakyou's direction. She turned a terror-stricken look like only a character heavily abused could have developed.

"Is….is that a _woman_?" she asked, pointing at Kakyou with a hand that shook, perspiration gathered in a thin film on her forehead.

"No…here," Kamui pulled a chair by his at the table, working on his tone to make it as soft and calm as possible to maybe sooth the young woman's nerves. "Sit down, have some tea."

Subaru went and brought her a mug of tea.

In an instant, the young girl's nerves calmed and her smile returned. "Ah, well, if it's not a woman, then it's okay," she laughed, removing her armor.

"Say, umm, what's your name?" Kamui offered her his hand to shake.

"Miyuki, just Miyuki, they didn't even bother making a family name for me…." She shook his and Subaru's hand, her voice bitter by the end of her sentence.

"What's the armor for?" Subaru had to ask, he winced at the heavy metallic clank the thing made as she shrugged it off.

"Ah, that's so that no one can open my shirt and no one can lift my skirt to peek at my underwear," she said, straightening her skirt as she spoke.

"My god! What have they done to you?" Subaru's usual 'other person in pain' alarm went off in his head.

"This is what they've done to me." She handed them a slim manga with a picture of her surrounded by bunnies in midair. Her face showed absolute horror for most of her skirt was sky high, barely hiding her underwear.

Kamui and Subaru browsed through the book, Kamui developing a slight blush while Subaru scanned it carelessly.

By the end of it they both raised their eyes to her and smiled kindly. "Welcome to the Abused Clamp Characters Union, Miyuki"

And so began the great Clamp characters strike.

(TBC)


	2. New Members

Disclaimer: I don't own any of Clamp's characters.

**Author's Thanks:** goes to X/1999Nataku-lover, chris pwure, R Junkie, Morithil you read my mind on the bolshie union Clamp trigger happy about abuse as any average Hellsing character…. Wul Anatole, Subaru's Voice you are a great friend! tekoo dear, Sei-chan will appear later I don't want to say when or I'll ruin the story, Chibis Unleashed I'm not familiar with Emeraude please tell me what happened to him, chibi-nezumi , thank you all!

Sorry about not updating sooner but I had to re-post all my New World story (22 chapters is a shload ne?) and other stuff to publish but here's the next chapter for you!

WARNING: slightly naughty subjects but no swear words and no graphic scenes or anything!

* * *

**Chapter 2 – New Members**

The next day tens of characters showed up at the striker's door, awaiting their salvation or at least a little vacation from their misery.

As she woke up, on the way to the bathroom, Miyuki took a look at the long line outside the house and gasped "So many…it's impossible…so many are abused?"

Then she wondered, if this many characters are going to strike then surely Clamp won't have anyone to play with…..then what would happen?

She brought the subject up on breakfast. Kamui and Subaru stared at each other, then at her, then at Kakyou expecting to get anything coherent out of him besides snores and the random "Hokuto….." (not something too comfortable for Subaru).

Kamui got up to look out the window, producing a long whistle at the equally longer line outside their house.

"Surely they're most looking for a vacation rather then a helping hand and a listening ear" Subaru was tapping the table with his cornflake spoon, irritated at the 35th "Hokuto…." Kakyou just produced.

Miyuki and Kamui turned to him bewildered "Then we can't bring them all in…..but how are we going to make sure they won't all stomp in on us…" Kamui mumbled after noting a few miserable and a few angry faces amongst the long line.

"I don't think we have room for everybody in this house anyway…what are we going to do?" Miyuki whimpered.

Both teens turned their helpless gazes at the elder of the house; Subaru.

After much thinking and a few gulps from his crunchy breakfast cereals, Subaru came up with an idea.

"We'll interview them"

"Interview them?" the purple eyed boy and his equally innocent and young comrade to a strike said at the same time.

"Yes, we'll ask them what Clamp did to them to see if they indeed deserve the title 'abused' or not." He got off his chair and began pacing around as he started doing as of late

"We'll hear their stories and unless we find something really abusive in their past, something Clamp were responsible for and not anime producers and directors that is, we'll accept them in and they'll join our union. What say you comrades?" he turned to his two awake partners.

Kamui and Miyuki, who up until now were too busy hanging admiring eyes at their sempai in angst and anguish, now rose to their feet and clapped their hands in excitement.

Subaru waved it off shyly.

They gathered a few tables and chairs from all over the house to form an interviewing room. They gathered more chairs then their current members so that once a character is found qualified they may join them behind the interviewing table.

And so the interviews began

* * *

First walked in a young man, wearing a rather dull and common green shirt and jeans. his black hair fell down his forehead casually above eyes that were showing sings of many sleepless nights. By him walked a peculiar looking blond teenaged girl with big pupil-less eyes.

Unlike the older looking teen, the girl was quite exquisite with her figure hugging yet somewhat nostalgic dress, her long straight hair and her pink and white plastic ears sticking out quite strangely yet cutely.

"And which one of you is the abused character?" Subaru spoke feeling his comrades' admiration of him at his back.

"I am" the young man said, keeping a shy and awkward stance at the strict and formal interview "My name is Hideki Motosuwa, from Chobits"

The three awake union members all said a brief "hello"

"And what makes you think you're an abused Clamp character?" Subaru couldn't help a bugging sensation at the back of his head at the closeness and obvious affection this Hideki was getting from the lovely blond by his side.

If he has such a knockout (according to straight men's scale that is, something Subaru could only take a wild guess at) then it's not all that bad for him.

"Well you see….hang on a second, she might hear something funny…" Hideki turned, his face blushing in a shade Subaru could be quite proud of back in the days, to the blond and gently spoke to her "Chi, can you go sit over there for a minute?"

The blond smiled a wonderful happy smile and obeyed immediately.

Hideki turned his gaze back at his interviewers, his awkwardness and blush deeper then ever "Well you see….Clamp made me into this country boy, not a city boy, not someone with….how can I say it….knowledge of life if you know what I'm talking about….." he scanned over the faces to see if he was understood and found mostly blank stares.

"Ok, I'll be blunt, I'm an 18 years old virgin, could you imagine that!" he scanned their faces once again, noting a blazing glare from Subaru (a 25 year old in the same condition).

"And I'm….well….I have needs…like every growing boy, ne?" he turned to Kamui, who's constant molesting by Fuma made him pretty much blunt to any kind of arousal or sexual thoughts filed under 'positive' in his mind, and received a blank stare.

"but Clamp……they found me this hot chick, Chi….I mean look at her, doesn't she look tasty?" he motioned to the blond "wouldn't you just like to eat her?"

Subaru shrugged, Kakyou snored, Miyuki shuddered from the very thought of getting close to anything woman-like but Kamui nodded, his eyes glittering.

This lead to a short silence in the room. Everybody stared at Kamui.

Oblivious to the stares, Kamui kept on scanning Chi mumbling little "oh yeah, she's hot" from time to time.

Subaru seemed like he was about to cry, Miyuki looked very very puzzled, Hideki stared at Kamui, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly.

"Ne, Kamui-san….." he mumbled "You….find Chi….the very feminine and definitely woman-like Chi hot?" Hideki asked, bending a little to be in Kamui's line of view.

For a few good moments Kamui simply sat and shook with anger. Then he closed his eyes, took a deep breath and calmed his anger as much as he could. "I…..am…..not….gay……" he managed to snarl.

Subaru whipped his head away to hide the tears in his eyes.

The rest stared in shock, hell, even Chi looked baffled.

"You….you're not!" Hideki asked amazed.

"No….." Kamui snarled once again "It's all Clamp's fault for making me so effeminate I'm only topped in it by Kakyou who practically _looks like_ a woman….. everybody thinks I'm gay and not only gay but an uke of all things!" he crashed his fist onto the table in rage "Do I have pink hair and jump around all over other males! NO! Do I have big black wings and long black hair like some girlie angel! NO! Am I a werewolf effeminate cheeky member of Millennium's Last Battalion! **NO!**" he stomped the floor and got up, his eyes blazing again "_I am straight!_" he shouted, glaring at Hideki enough to burn two holes in the poor teen's forehead "And your girlfriend is indeed hot!"

Subaru choked a whimper, mumbling "Oh the abuse, the abuse I suffer" to himself whenever he thought no one was listening.

"Ooookaaaaaaay" Hideki took a few awkward steps back "So anyways, they made me damn hor….filled with needs….and they made Chi into this hot babe but……they…" here his deep blushing returned in full force "They put a restart button in…..well…in….._inside_ her…..so that _doing_ anything would mean erasing her memory and her personality along with it….."

For a moment the three active comrades stared at Hideki, on the verge of bringing him in, until Subaru recovered enough of his coherent non-angsting mind to concentrate on what's spoken around him.

"So what? There are other ways of going about it" he said, his active eye as cold as ice.

Three pairs of eyes stared at his direction in shock.

"O….other ways?" the formerly repressed and miserable eyes of Motosuwa Hideki now began filling with light and joy again.

"She can give you head" Subaru suddenly ached for a cigarette and, just to make Kamui suffer for pouring salt on his own repressed libido earlier, lit it starting to smoke it while carelessly speaking to the boy before him "You can do it our…..my style" he said, blowing smoke at Kamui's direction sending the boy by him to a short coughing fit "If she has the right….socket…for it"

Hideki didn't stay for very long after those words, in fact, the moment the Sumeragi stopped talking he dashed to Chi's side, tossed her over his shoulder like bounty and stormed out of the house.

Behind the closed front door, the union members could hear a wild "**YAHOOOOOOOO!**" holler drawing further and further away from the house.

Three voices sighed deeply, a sweatdrop on each forehead.

Kakyou snored.

* * *

Next a young youth somewhere at Kamui's age walked in. his dirty work clothes and gloves showing the signs of a long journey or a sand filled job. His bright brown hair sat in a mess atop his head. His eyes were strong and piercing, pretty old and mature for his age.

"Syaoran from Tsubasa" he said as he walked up to the interviewing table.

"Yes Syaoran-kun, what makes you think you're an abused Clamp character?" Subaru formally asked, putting his cigarette off in a nearby ashtray after receiving a few death glares from a wheezy Kamui.

"I have a girl that I love, Sakura-hime from the country of Clow. In an accident in the archaeological digs I worked in she lost all her memories as they turned to feathers scattered across the many dimensions out there.

"I, and two other men from two different worlds, travel with her from one world to the other searching for her lost memory feathers. In the travels I undergo multiple adventures, many of which conclude in finding a feather but causing me and my friends some physical damage. But that is not all of it.

"To gain the ability, or the device more like it, enabling us to travel dimensions I had to pay a price to the Dimensional Witch; Sakura-Hime's memory of our relationship. I _know_ she was about to tell me she loved me before all of this started but now not only did she forget who I am and what she felt for me completely, but whenever she gets even close to develop feelings for me it is erased and can never be develop again.

"So you see, I am bound by my never-to-be-returned emotions to travel and get hurt all over again without ever getting any kind of reward or rest because if we won't find her memories she might deteriorate to a coma and die. Plus my love for Sakura-hime can never allow me to just give it all up and bring her back to her home as she is to re-learn everything on her own"

Short sad gasps and sighs sounded from the three comrades, hanging comforting eyes at Syaoran.

"But wait! There's more!" the boy said, his eyes becoming more bitter "Clamp made me lose my right eye somewhere along my life so I fight by kicking and have a blind side all the time, which is not a good thing with all the stuff I go through" he turned to Subaru "I think that's something you can sympathise with

"And another thing you can understand in my misery: there's another world version of Seishiro that used to be a friend of mine but now he has one of Sakura-hime's feathers and uses it as a power source as he travels looking for these two vampires or something and he won't give it up no matter what. He's skipping between dimensions and we're skipping between dimensions and the chances of use meeting again are very low…."

"Wow…" Subaru shook his head in sad understanding.

"So let's see what we have here" Miyuki took a sheet of paper and pen "We have 'Loss of a love relationship', 'Loss of limb' and 'Mistreatment by Seishiro'"

"You can just put 'Seishiro' down" Subaru grumbled "The man is abuse on two legs. Please Syaoran, sit down amongst us, have a cup of tea" he gestured to a chair to his right, pouring the boy a cup from a large tea-urn by Miyuki.

Syaoran nodded his thanks and walked to his seat.

"Welcome to the Abused Clamp Characters Union Syaoran" Miyuki chirped at him and poured herself some more tea.

Kakyou uttered his 49th "Hokuto…..".

* * *

Next came another young man at around Kamui's age. This one was neatly clad in well ironed and starched black school uniforms. His glasses were clean and shiny, neatly placed before eyes that darted from one spot to another as if he sees things no one else can see and glaring at them angrily. All and all he looked pretty dull, a sort of dark, neurotic version of Aoki Seiichiro.

"Kimihiro Watanuki from XXXoholic" he said, suddenly dodging sideways from where he stood for no apparent reason.

"And you're abused because?" Syaoran asked, feeling confident enough amongst his new comrades to do the interviews while Subaru lit another cigarette (ignoring a long hard glare from Kamui).

"From birth I was given the ability to see spirits and ghosts. They know it so they stalk me all over the place, causing me much discontent and unhappiness. Both my parents are dead and gone, they perished while I was still alive but that's not that much of an abuse…I….I sort of got over that so to speak….

"It's where I work that's my cause for abuse. I walked in, under a spell that is, to a 'store' where they 'grant wishes' by sorcery and magic. I walked in because I wished to have the ability to see these disturbing spirits taken from me but…..

"But my price for the wish granting is working for the store manager and boy….what a job that is! The woman, this Yuuko witch store manager thingy, she has piles of trash all over the place catalogued as 'treasures' and she makes me clean them all from a state of absolute chaos and dirt! I'm a clean freak, it's a _very _disturbing sight for me!

"Plus I have to do anything Yuuko-san tells me to do, from shopping for anti-hangover medication for her to making her breakfast, lunch and dinner at her whim.

"She has these two helpers, Moru and Maru who keep saying the most stupid and annoying things to me when she intentionally provokes them too, picking on me and teasing me all the time.

"She makes me work at all sorts of spiritual adventures someone like you" he turned to Subaru "should handle, and she hooked me up with this guy I absolutely hate to do it with me…..oh my life is slowly draining away from me….and the duck hand puppet….oh, the duck hand puppet….." he bowed his head, his whole posture crying 'weary and worn out'.

"You poor thing…." Miyuki mumbled, ready to call him over to join them.

Then Watanuki's mobile phone rang. He took it out of his pocket and examined the calling number on the screen. Suddenly his whole attitude changed from worn out to merry and energetic, his eyes filled with happiness, his face beaming suddenly.

He turned to the five characters, showing them the mobile phone screen "it's Kunogi – san!" he chirped at them happily.

Surprised at the sudden change in the youth, and following a sneaky suspicion, Kamui turned to Watanuki "Who's that then?"

"Oh…." The fore eyed youth blushed "That's the girl I lo….like….he he…." He blushed.

"Get out" came a cold snarl from Subaru.

"Eh?" Watanuki stared, his mobile phone still ringing and vibrating chaos in his hand.

"If you have someone you love and she's still alive, unharmed and returning some kind of affection then you don't belong here! This is the _Abused_ Clamp Characters Union, not the We're Busting Our Rear Ends Really Hard At Work But When We Go Back Home There's Always Someone Nice To Comfort Us Clamp Characters Union, now get out!"

Without words, mouthing with shock, Watanuki began shuffling his way out of the room and out of the house.

Subaru sat back on his seat, huffing and puffing angry smoke from his cigarette.

* * *

A young strict looking woman in harsh, almost militaristic, school uniforms walked into the interviewing room. Her gaze was cold as ice, her face expressionless and beaming with restrained anger and frustration.

Fighting to calm her nerves at the sight of a real woman, Miyuki moved awkwardly on her seat, stifling a few whimpers and straightening her iron corset.

"My name" the young woman said, folding her arms on her chest which made her look ever stricter "Is Sai Jyonouchi from Angelic Layer. My story goes like this: I am naturally unsocial and cold in nature and I never had any real good friends to attach myself to and have fun with. The only light in my life was my dear beloved little sister whom I loved and nursed through her illness.

"Yes, her illness, as you can imagine by Clamp's nature, my sister died on me leaving me alone and lonely in the world with only my sister's last wishes about an angel to fight and win with.

"Then I met a girl, a very nice girl named Kaede Saito who managed to crumble my ice walls of isolation and became my good friend and….and a little more…." She hung her eyes at Kamui momentarily, making the boy wonder what she means by that.

"But then, under the abusive Clamp tradition, they killed off Kaeda as it's discovered in Chobits, leaving me to mourn and grief with really no one to comfort me….ever…."

She did not shed a tear, she did not flinch into a slightly different facial expression. She just stared and talked her miserable life out in an icy monotone droning.

"So" Kamui bent over to glance at Miyuki's page "that's 'Loss of sibling' and 'Loss of loved one'…yup, welcome to the Union Sai-san, have a seat and a cup of tea please"

Sai nodded and walked somewhat robotically to the free chair amongst three between Miyuki and Kakyou.

After a long half an hour of hysterics and whimpers from Miyuki who chose to dash from the table and hide under her bed, it was decided that Sai would sit between Subaru and Syaoran instead of Miyuki's side.

* * *

Right after Sai came a young boy in school uniforms rather similar to Watanuki's. His eyes were cold and sad, pretty mature for such a young boy. He took one glance at Sai and nodded, recognising her and greeting her differently.

"Gokubunji Minoru from Chobits" he said in a calm and even tone.

"Yes Gokubunji-kun, how do you present yourself as an abused character?" Subaru leaned back on his chair awaiting an easy interview. If he knew Sai then surely they shared the same tragedy therefore surely this boy is an abused Clamp character.

"I am Kaeda's little brother. Our parents divorced to start my abusive life."

All heads nodded across the room, this was indeed a promising future comrade.

"I am currently living alone with no one but my persocoms and Yuzuki" Minoru went on, not noticing the trap he just set himself.

"Who's this Yuzuki then?" Kamui wondered.

"Yuzuki is a persocom I built in an attempt to make a copy of my sister to sooth my pain."

"And did it work?" a sneaking suspicion filled Subaru's voice.

"Well, yes and no. To be the exact soothing copy of my sister she did not manage, no one can replace a person never mind how much personal data I fed her. But….she somehow manages to cheer me up, to make me happy with her presence because she is a very nice person…persocom and…..what?"

by then Minoru noted the union members behind the interviewing tables began shaking their heads and looking disappointed.

"Happiness…." Kamui sighed, trying to make this as short as possible and move on to the next character "You're happy….happy is not abused…not abused, not in the union…goodbye"

Minoru stood staring and blinking for a while, then gathered his wits and left shooting a 'hey…that's not fair' glance at Sai who was too unsocial and uncaring to note it.

* * *

Next came a young man that oddly resembled Keiichi to Kamui's eyes. Same slightly messy blond hair, same height, same body build, same fire in the eyes.

Only this young man's eyes were filled with an almost obsessive fire.

Obsessive was good, if you're obsessed then something is wrong with you and if something is wrong with you then it's Clamp's fault for making you this way hence making you an abused character.

"Kobayashi Ryusuke from Man of Many Faces" he called out enthusiastically "the law enforcing teen in the first book and half of the second one" he kept raving, pride filling his chest and eyes "Currently I am a cop at Tokyo's 27th precinct (1)"

After removing the huge sweatdrop that developed on each of their foreheads, the strikers turned to stare at Subaru for the interview to begin.

"Well….." Subaru gathered the 'Clamp Abuse Charges List' from Kamui and Miyuki's hands and turned back to the bubbly policeman before him "Kobayashi-san, what makes you an abused Clamp character?"

"Ah-ha! let me explain you" the officer of the law took an almost threatening step forward, glaring fire at each of the board's members "You see I am obsessed with keeping the law, with justice and fighting crime. Clamp even gave the unique ability to make policemen do whatever I tell them to…"

"Cool!" Miyuki chirped "Did you ever make them do something really silly like going on all fours and bark like dogs?"

"Did you ever make them do all sorts of athletic tricks like cheerleaders do?" Kamui caught on the excitement.

Ryusuke glared them into silence, his face darkening with seriousness "No" he snarled "The officers of the law have better things to do then sit around and do silly things _because_" and with this he took another step, slammed his fists on the interviewing table and leaned on closer to each and every member but Kakyou who was still asleep "there is a thief out there! A thief so sneaky and foul, so annoying and clever that I have yet to catch him!

"Lord knows I tried, I tried really hard, since childhood I did, but due to Clamp's idea of lawbreaking as something to _joke_ about, I am forever on his trail yet I never caught up with him…..oh, the abuse…" he turned his face away, ashamed of his few tears shattering his macho appearance.

The members stared at him carelessly.

"And you say you're abused because of that!" Sai glared icebergs at the cop.

"Y….yes…." he began breaking under her cold scornful stare.

"Because you can't catch a miserable thief that runs away from his crime scenes on a gathering of balloons, on gliders and digs under stages as a way of escaping?" she was tapping the table with her fingers irritably, each tap making Ryusuke more and more timid and unconfident with each tap

"If you say you have the ability to control police members then surely the _whole_ police forces and resources were at your reach, right?"

Ryusuke whimpered as an answer.

"Have you no helicopters in the police? Have you no fast cruisers? No stunt guns! No swat teams!"

Ryusuke was shaking and whimpering, his eyes filling with tears as he slowly backed away from the room until he ran out of the house, wailing like a baby.

"Sai-chan….harsh…." Kamui turned to the girl.

Sai glared ice at him and for a moment Kamui had the hunch that Clamp gave her the ability to death-glare like the DoE's Kamui….

* * *

Next came a young boy, about Minoru's age, beaming and happy. He bowed politely to each of them, smiling cheerfully, and put a neat square white box on their table.

"What's this?" Kamui sniffed the air above the box thinking he picked up the smell of cinnamon.

"A cake for you!" the boy chirped "I made it just before I came here, please, have a slice"

"You know bribery is illegal" Sai glared at him.

"Ha ha ha, it's not bribery, I was just trying to be nice" the boy swatdropped, slowly caving under the powerful look.

"I'm Ijuin Akira from Clamp Campus Detective, Man of Many Faces and I do believe I meet you two" he gestured at Kamui and Subaru "in my older version"

"Mmmm, this is good!" Miyuki said with a full mouth as she delivered a slice to each of the comrades. Little crumbs fell from her mouth as she spoke.

"Thank you!" Akira beamed happily.

"Miyuki-chan, it's not polite to talk with your mouth full" Kamui tried hinting her, noting the rest of his friends were too timid to do so.

Miyuki stared at him watery eyed for a moment "But….but…. I'm too used to eating as quickly as I can before someone comes and molests me or I won't have a chance to eat in a long time" she said, tears streaming out of her eyes.

Kamui wrapped an arm across her shoulders "There there, never mind me, keep eating dear. Forget about it"

Miyuki sniffed and resumed her feeding.

"So, why should someone who is the star of a series also named '_Happy_ Come On', smiling so kindly and happily as you do, call them abused?" Subaru asked cynically.

"Ah" Akira began digging through his pockets looking for something "My future wife asked me to give this to you" he handed a folded page to Subaru's hands.

The comrades scooted over the onemoji's shoulders to see what the note read.

"It says here that you have no concept of sex…." Subaru said, getting more and more puzzled as he checked the note over and over to see if this is true. "It says that even though your friend from the student council is a notorious flirt and skirt chaser you only accompany him because you're his friend and only find the girls you assist in your 'detective agency' as 'nice' and nothing more.

"It says that you're as innocent as a newborn and as clean of any carnal deeds as a nun and that….oh my god, that's just sick!... IMPOSSIBLE…." He tossed the note aside.

Kamui picked it up and read off the unread line "Wow….dude….it says here that despite the fact that you are now married and completely free and legitimated to do deeds with your wife you sleep in different beds and fully clothed……" he raised giant shocked, even revolted, mauve eyes to the boy before him " Why man, why!"

Akira merely stared blankly at the youth with The Authority of God, his eyes completely oblivious to what he was asked about. "Why?….what am I supposed to do with her?" he asked, innocence oozing out of him.

The board stared at him in shock.

"Now that _is _just sick." Syaoran shook his head "Akira-kun, you are indeed limited, if not crippled, by Clamp. But you are not the true victim of this disability, your wife is" he looked at his fellow strikers to get their approval "If she wants, she can come over and join us anytime"

"Yeah" Kamui sneered "it's not like you'll miss her at evening time or something…." He received a few giggles from his comrades.

"Oh…." Akira shrugged "Thank you anyway" he beamed a delightful smile at them "Thank you for hearing me out, enjoy your cake" he turned to leave "Have a good day and good luck!" he chirped a last goodbye.

The board shivered a few moments with the sheer happiness on that boy.

"He hurt my angst lobe" Subaru winced, rubbing his head.

Even Kakyou groaned in complaint at the offensive happy halo coming off of the boy.

* * *

An angel from heaven walked into the room, her wings shining from the sunlight they soaked while waiting outside, her legs walking on air as she floated towards the interviewing spot.

"Kohaku from Wish" she said, waving happily at her interviewers.

"God not again, I just took some painkillers" Subaru whined, rubbing his head again.

"Kohaku, what makes you an abused Clamp character?" Kamui was rubbing his friend's shoulder in comfort as he spoke.

Subaru landed his head on the table with a loud bang mumbling something about trying to dim the pain with some more of it.

"I came down to earth in search of my friend and mentor Madam Hisui, the angel of the wind spirit who went missing from heaven. Upon my arrival I was attacked by a crow, sent by a long tormentor of mine, the little devil Koryu.

"I was saved by a nice gentleman, Shuuchirou, who also took me into his home and cared for me and my friends, Hisui, her boyfriend Kakuyo, took Koryu and even his two demon lady cats Rouri and Hari under his roof.

"Obviously I fell in love with him, and he with me and we even sort of admitted it to each other but……" she looked away, wiping a tear from her eye "That's when Clamp killed Shuuchirou off for absolutely no apparent reason…" she sobbed a little.

Miyuki and Kamui checked the little box they drew by the 'Loss of a loved one' in the Clamp Charges page.

"And before that, they made God condemn me and punish me, blocking my magic and keeping me locked in a chibi form, keeping me in a silly and…very inaccessible for Shuuchirou, if you know what I mean, state….."

The board was shaking their heads, Sai clearing a seat by her where Kohako might sit down to.

"And then he made me sleep for a hundred years instead of grieving for my lost Shuuchirou" Kohaku sniffed and sobbed.

"Why a hundred years if I may ask?" Syaoran wondered.

"Oh" Kohaku cleared her throat, her mood cheering again "because then I'll meet up with Shuuchirou's incarnation and start it all over again only without him dying and me being miserable" she beamed.

There was a deadly silence in the room as high hopes for a new member shattered to pieces.

"Get out" Subaru snarled.

She did, very fast actually, picking up the lethal waves coming off of the onemoji.

* * *

A tall blond man with long spiky bangs coming down his forehead and tied behind his neck walked in, no, _stormed_ in with rage.

He stood before the table in silence, mostly glaring at the rather oblivious Subaru and Kamui.

After five minutes in which the man stood in silence without introducing himself, Kamui decided to speak "Err….so….aaa…..who are you?" he asked, cowering a little under the frequent glares from the blond.

"YOU DON'T KNOW ME!" The man hollered at the poor youth.

"Err….no….." Kamui tried to hide under the table. The tea in his cup was magically raging like a stormy sea.

"And YOU!" the man turned to Subaru "YOU DON'T KNOW ME EITHER!"

"I'm afraid I don't…."

"I AM ASAGI SHOUGO FROM X THE MOVIE!"

"Please keep your voice down"

But Shougo heard non of it. He crumbled down to the floor, covering his face and sobbing violently "Oh the abuse….the abuse….no one remembers me, no one knows me……no one cares……" he wept.

"Wait a moment….I think……" Kamui worked every grey cell and neuron in his skull to try and dig up any familiarity of the man "I think I remember you…..no…..lost it….who did you say you are?"

"I AM ASAGI SHOUGO FROM X THE MOVIE! I AM THE WATERMASTER FROM THE DRAGONS OF EARTH!"

"Please, keep your voice down mister….whatever" Subaru tried a stricter tone, only to receive a tearful glare from the raving man.

"I thought the DoE's water master is Yutu…" Kamui mumbled to himself.

"I can't believe you don't remember me, you saw me first after he and his boyfriend killed each other off" Asagi whimpered, pointing at Subaru.

"No one wants to remember you" came a calm light voice from an unexpected source "because you're not important enough to remember" it was Kakyou who was shaken to the land of reality by the mad screams.

"Kakyou!" Kamui and Subaru shrilled in surprise "you're awake!"

"And coherent" the yumemie noted with a small smirk, as much as the crack in his angst allowed him.

"As for you, Asagi-san, you are a character in a silly, trashy, horrible, butchering version of the X/1999 plot. You are as unimportant and twisted as the other characters in the movie.

"I believe the real reason for your oblivion is the fact that you do not appear in the AOV's, not even in the original manga, only in that horrible movie.

"You take my place amongst the DoE and I think that the rest of us Clamp familiar characters here will agree that the fans, and Clamp themselves, would rather remember an effeminate angst semi-uke such as me then a loud and cocky blabbermouth such as you"

Shougo huffed in anger.

"If I were you I would be thankful for your role in the movie. You had far more lines then anyone, even Kamui and he's that stupid thing's star for god's sake"

"MORE LINES!" Asagi burst "What do I need more line when I only end up butchered plot-associated-lessly by Fuma, my own damn Kamui!"

"Everyone got butchered plot-associated-lessly by Fuma in the movie if I am not mistaken" Kakyou answered in a dry and cold tone.

"I was butchered without even the slightest chance of plot or character development" Subaru noted the dreamgazer "and I had far less lines then you did"

"Besides, the fact that you are not remembered is not Clamp's fault at all; it is their fan's fault so you cannot be a _Clamp_ Abused character. Please leave this room and let me get back to sleep"

Asagi stood there for a few more minutes, huffing and glaring to try and maybe get an amnesty from his verdict. But to no use, the union hearts were hard as stone.

And so, he left, starting to break into tears again as he walked out.

* * *

In walked a tall dark man clad in futuristic strict army outfit, round glasses neatly sitting atop his nose tied to the back of his neck. His eyes were cold and harsh, not a single glitter of life in them.

He walked in, saluted strictly and stepped forward to the members behind the table.

"Kazuhiko from Clover, reporting for interview"

The strikers spent a few moments of awkward silence, carefully choosing their words to suit the man's behaviour.

"So ….Kazuhiko-san, who did Clamp abuse you?" Subaru, after gathering much courage and collecting his mind from the filthy place it rested at seeing a dark attractive man with glasses, said.

"I am a soldier, as you might have noticed, my mission was to escort Su, a highly magical being, to a theme park where she will commit suicide ending her miserable life in a cage due to her phenomenal ability.

"Su, apparently, was a good friend of my beloved girlfriend Ohura who died before her time leaving me alone with my heartache. I am now dragged along with this angst girl, constantly fleeing and fighting to get her to this theme park of hers.

"And to add all that Clamp had to put, in the very first book if I may add, a little devil named Bols to hunt me down. This pervert keeps attacking me with multiple sexual hints, calling me 'Prince' and asking me if the fact that my right arm, the one he helped ridding me of, that is displayed in his bedroom and with which he goes to sleep at night, makes me hard….."

Another silence spread across the room.

"Wow….." is all Sai managed to say, even her ice-queen show breaking at such information.

"So let's see…." Kamui glanced at his page, gesturing Miyuki to already prepare the chair by her for Kazuhiko's rooming "there's 'Loss of loved one', 'Loss of limb', 'Needless hardship-filled adventures', as comrade Syaoran added in, with a tinge of 'Sexual abuse' to season it all up. Yup, a typical abused Clamp character, please sit down with us Kazuhiko-san, have some tea"

Kazuhiko nodded strictly and walked off to his seat. He waved off the offered tea cup. Instead he mumbled something about always being on stimulants and since he has no need of them now that he's on strike, he closed his eyes and fell to sleep. His head made a painful bang as it fell to the table.

Soon the strikers had to do their work to the lovely sounds of two snorers. Not only that but they didn't even snore in any kind of semi-harmonious rhythm….

Miyuki winced as she dug her fingers deep into her ears.

"Fits them, Clamp that is, to send us two worthy abused characters who will snore in cacophony"Sighed Kamui.

* * *

The next candidate was another X character. Nataku walked in, his ribbon swarming around him like karma circles.

"Nataku from X/1999" he said.

"We know…" Kamui sweatdropped "We're from the same series as you are…."

Nataku stared carelessly "oh…." He managed finally sounding like he resembled any kind of emotion.

"Hmmm…." Subaru rubbed his chin lightly "This guy" he turned to explain to the rest "is a clone made from the genes of a girl named Kazuki, who died of illness in childhood, and her father, who committed suicide shortly afterwards.

"The girl's father bares a striking resemblance to Fuma. As a DoE, Nataku is under the DoE's Kamui, Fuma who hardly does much to care for Nataku's springing childhood memories. All he does is allowing this thing to sit on the floor at his feet and rest his head on his knee like some kind of a puppy.

"Otherwise then that when a kekkai needs to be shattered, it's Nataku's job mostly…"

"Unless there's an ice cream parlour near by the kekkai" Nataku interrupted the onemoji "then he sends Seishiro and goes off there to enjoy some too"

Subaru glared fire at the bioroid for a moment before grumbling onwards "_Anyways _as I was saying….by the end of the series Nataku is forced to give his body away to the ungrateful Fuma to heal him of his wounds caused by our Sorata"

"Oh, you poor thing" Miyuki whimpered at the bioroid, trying to make a new charge to suit this miserable thing before her.

"He is without emotions and soul, without a past and with no future, a genuine puppet on the strings of fait"

Nataku stood still, his ribbon breaking the usual careless and mindless stance.

"Wait a minute" Sai frowned "you said he has no emotions right?"

Subaru nodded.

"So….basically…he doesn't know he's abused…."

All eyes turned to Nataku.

"Nataku…." Kamui tried reasoning with the thing like a little boy

"Do you care about your abuse?" Sai asked impatiently.

Nataku shook his head.

"Are you angry at it?"

"Anger is an emotion, I do not have emotions"

"So basically you don't want to have the abuse stop because you don't care about it?"

Nataku did not answer that.

"oh come on Sai-chan, have some mercy." Kamui tired pleading for Nataku's sake "Just because he isn't aware of the fact that he's abused doesn't mean that we can let him walk out of here and keep getting abused by Clamp…."

Sai shrugged.

"Come Nataku, sit with us" Kamui gestured to the seat by Kakyou, already preparing a tea cup for the bioroid.

"I can't" Nataku said, taking a peek at his wristwatch "I have to go and report to Kamui" he turned and left the room.

"Report?" Kamui suddenly shuddered "What would he report Fuma about us for?" a cold dread spread across his mind, leaking down his spine and making him shudder again.

"Ah, he's probably wondering where he's squeeze toy went off to" Subaru grumbled, thinking of his own alleged 'owner'.

"Gee, thank you for describing me so highly" Kamui glared back at his friend.

* * *

"All right people, let's wrap this up, I'm feeling really dizzy with all these people trying to get in" Subaru turned to his friends.

"Last one?" Syaoran suggested.

Subaru stared back wearily.

"Think about it Sumeragi-san" the archaeologist smiled "there might be a character out there who is _really_ abused and if we let them wander off to yet another night exposed to the four girls' whims, god knows if they'll be able to get back here to try and appeal tomorrow"

Subaru exchanged horrified stares with Syaoran for a while, then turned to the rest "Alright, one last candidate"

A young teen about Kamui's age walked in. he had smooth blond hair falling charmingly to the side of his face. To say that he was effeminate would be a bit of an understatement. To say that he is the typical Clamp bishie uke would hit the spot. His eyes were big and mostly innocent but his stance said otherwise. He was pissed, irritated and uncomfortable

"Kudo Kazahaya from Goho Drug" he said, his eyes filling with anger.

"Oh, oh, oh, oh!" Kamui waved his hand "I read about you, you poor, poor thing you"

The other strikers, those who were awake, nodded with Kamui.

"You're abused because you lost your sister and home, ending up almost freezing to death in the middle of winter's snow" Miyuki whimpered at him sympathetically.

Kazahaya shook his head, irritated.

"It's because you have to bust you rear end to earn your living fair in a crummy old apartment above the store you work in, sharing it with another boy whom you detest"

Once more Kazahaya shook his head, the all too familiar to him plus mark of angry manga characters pulsing on his forehead.

"It's because you're shop owner has this strange Seishiro-Ichan hybrid who keeps picking on you and molesting you occasionally?" Subaru asked with sympathy.

Kazahaya shook his head.

"It's because you semi-sadistic shop owner keeps sending you on stupid special assignments that only lead to you getting hurt, annoyed and fighting with this boy you don't like who is also constantly assigned with you?" Syaoran tried his luck.

Yet Kazahaya shook on.

"So…err….why are you abused?" Kamui gave up.

Kazahaya opened two big burning eyes and burst "It's because my sole purpose in my miserable little manga life is to say a few lines between the multiple homoerotic fan service bits!"

The board gasped.

"Clamp made me the ukest of ukes, constantly fainting into the arms of my seme-like roommate due to visions forced on me to faint from. I am constantly shoved and pushed against him and preferably in a heavily suggestive manner.

"You mentioned Saiga, yes, he too is a part of it. I mean he and my shop owner have their share of fan service but at least they _enjoy_ theirs! I DON'T!

"They made me sleep in Rikuo's bed so that he'll crouch over me suggestively to wake me up. They made me sick so my vision will go blurry and I'll have to hold hands with him to properly watch a movie! They made me and him go to a private school where I was selected to be a 'bride' in full dress and tiara, then 'merry off' to that damn Rikuo! They made me fing lick chocolate off his fingertips!

"All that imbedded to the sad, pathetic excuse of a plot to give these filthy moments a reason to be!" Kazahayaka finished his fit with loud angry huffing.

Miyuki, who began trembling with tears and excitement half way through his speech, now shot to her feet throwing her arms forward at the youth and squealing "MY LONG LOST SOUL MATE!"

Kazahaya turned watery emotional eyes to her, sniffing at the start of a crying fit.

"Come to me my partner to heavy sexual abuse" Miyuki whimpered and Kazahaya obliged, crushing into her arms as the two broke into tears.

"And…." the youth managed to whimper between sobs "And you know what they're planning to do in the next volume……They want to make me climb a barbwire fence in one of my next 'special missions' and get my shirt all caught up with it. The only way be free is by Rikuo taking my shirt off of me…." He broke into a long miserable wail.

"Oh, you poor, poor thing" Subaru rubbed his fellow uke's back soothingly "welcome to the Abused Clamp Characters Union Kudo-kun"

(tbc)

* * *

(1) Yes, that was a Fake reference. I'm sorry but that semi-Seishiro teacher thingy that keeps running around Ryusuke and the fact that they eat dinner together is just too damn suspicious to me.

**NEXT ON THE ABUSED CLAMP CHARACTERS UNION:** Clamp's punishment begins.

**Author's Note:** if you have knowledge of any abused characters I missed here please tell me of them via review or email along with the charges they might bring up to Clamp. If they will qualify to be part of the union or not is up to the characters alone!


	3. the House of the Rising Evil Bishie

Disclaimer: I don't own any of Clamp's characters. The original lyrics of the Communist International belong to Eugene Pottier.

**Author's Thanks: **wchan39, Nakamura Michiyo, Fion darling, I have no idea about anything from CCS so please leave me a more specific description of what abuse Suppii is going through, R Junkie Gengetsu? From where? What happened to him? Morithil I thank you very much! galenhiril I love your name! Sadako Sumeragi I thought of Ueda but sadly the whole bullshit with Yumie (not Yumiko….ah, WAY too much Hellsing) ended up in a good, happy, romantic way so he'd get kick out of the strike pretty quickly. But thank you anyways! 1999Nataklover…dear….I'm a big girl, I get busy at times but thank you very much for waiting.

**And also many thanxs** to whoever wrote the Concise Oxford Thesaurus which helped me find the various words for 'evil' for this chapter and for the words 'thrust', 'erection' (oops) and 'caress' in my various lemons. I do not, however, thank it for writing that Cervix (a part of a woman's reproducing system) is another word for 'neck'…..I almost wrote Sei-chan kissed Fuma's cervix…..what a shame that would be….

**I APOLOGIZE!** For updating after such a long time. I've begun this course that teaches you towards university entrance exam and I've drowned in homework. Sumimasen…..gomen asai……stops before she starts sounding like the Onsen keeper in Fruits Basket who, BTW, sounds like Hokuto in slow motion, ne?

**Warning:** due to the nature of this particular chapter there will be abundant sexually-connected puns and innuendoes and many many evil deeds. And if you don't know who Anderson is…..go watch/read Hellsing……Willis…..

* * *

**Chapter 3 – the House of the Rising (Evil) Bishie**

Early the next morning Kamui was woken up from his peaceful slumber by the sound of a truck going reveres and it's warning "beep….beep" sound.

He walked down the stairs to look outside and met Karen stepping up to the house's door.

"Kasumi-san! Good morning!" he yawned, surprised to see her.

"Good morning to you too Kamui!" she smiled sweetly at him "How is your strike going? How's Sumeragi-san?"

"Oh, it's going great; we already have several new members. Subaru's okay I guess, he's leading us to a good strike!"

"Oh he's leading you then?"

"Yeah, with him being the eldest and probably the one with the longest experience of Clamp abuse over the years…….by the way, Kasumi-san" Kamui mumbled after digging into his memory enough to retrieve Karen's life story "don't you want to be one of us….with your mother and your current job and all"

Karen stared at Kamui bewildered, and then smiled again "Nope. I'm fine, really. I have my own little pleasures" she smiled secretly, making Kamui wonder what were they, were they connected to her profession and if so, in what _positions_ was she when she had these little pleasures….more then that he wondered if she'll give him instructions or descriptions….maybe pictures if he asks her.

Upstairs on the second floor, in his bed, Subaru tossed in his sleep moaning in frustration.

"My, looks like someone is moving into the house next to yours" Karen suddenly said, tearing Kamui from his early morning fantasies.

Dragging his mind out of the gutter, Kamui began comprehending the trucks loaded with furniture and equipment that began pouring their content into the little matching cottage next to theirs.

"I wonder who it is…" Karen mumbled out Kamui's thoughts "oh well, look at the time! I have to be going, have fun now kids!" she smiled and waved her goodbyes, leaping her way across the rooftops back to her soap land.

Kamui would have trailed her barely covered body but something ominous caught his eye:

There was a man who was banging a sign into the ground at the front of the house.

The sign read "**HOUSE OF THE RISING (EVIL) BISHIE**"

A cold shudder ran down his spine again and suddenly Kamui _really _wanted to be under his cozy duvet and asleep to block out this cruel and evil world where Clamp rule and do as they like.

* * *

At about 11:00AM a knock was heard on the door of the Union's house.

Accidentally being the one nearest to it, Kamui went to answer the door.

On the other side stood a heavily smug and smirking Fuma with an equally smug and smirking dark, tall, spiky haired man dressed in black, with multiple ear piercing, two mismatched eyes and big black feathered wings.

Kamui blinked a few times at the sight of the other man he never saw before.

"Kamui" his twin star purred evilly like only an evil bishie of Clamp's creation can purr.

After having enough time out of his miserable life's plot, Kamui managed to sit and think of ways he may fight Fuma back that do not include large scale energy blasts. He came up with an idea he was now about to experiment.

He blinked innocently a few times and answered "Fuma"

Fuma did not flinch, not as much as he was on the inside anyways, and retained his cool, evil and smug demeanor. "Kamui" he purred again, mixing it with a snarl this time.

Kamui let a little smile itch the edge of his lips and glared at his twin star "Fuma"

"K-a-m-u-i" Fuma was snarling now.

"Dude!" the other dark man suddenly called out with a deep manly voice "You can't even make your uke say your name properly!" he hung mismatched scornful eyes at Fuma who glared back at him.

"I am not his uke!" Kamui snarled.

"Man! He even denies your ownership of him….tssk…..you should have told me you're your uke's lap dog 'Fuma'" the man laughed on.

"Shut up Kakuyo!" Fuma snarled angrily, hanging his worst death glares at the devil's son until he went quiet and frightened enough.

"What do you want, Fuma?" his twin star's presence here did _not _please Kamui at all, he was getting restless.

"We just wanted to say hello to our new neighbors" Kakuyo smirked, oozing evil.

"N….neighbors?" the dread began nagging Kamui again, his body covered in sweat all of a sudden. Cold sweat, like he was waking up yet still living in a nightmare.

"Yes, Clamp are gathering all their evil bishies to the house next to yours. Our job is to deal centralized abuse at you until you'll give in, return to your roles and give up this silly attempt of yours at a strike" Fuma's sinister nature began glowing out of him.

Kamui was blue and shaking with fear now "A……all of Clamp's e….evils…..are….gathered to abuse us….?" He whimpered in a high pitched voice.

"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssssssssssssssssssss" Kakuyo hissed, his father's genes showing.

It took Kamui some time to recover from his shock and mind numbing fear to realize that these two fiendish things _enjoyed_ his quaking.

He shook himself and took a combatant pose. "Well…..it's on then! You'll never break us! **NEVEEEEEEER!**" he screamed until he was safe back inside the house, in his room, under his bed, covered by his blanket and whimpering like a little girl.

Sai looked out of the window to the house next door, examining her two new neighbors "Eh, I don't think these two brats will do us much harm, if they are what Clamp count on as a way to bring us back"

Then both her and Subaru, who was joining her at the window to observe the two youths, saw Mr. Evil with a capital EEEEEEEE also known as Sakurazuka(mori) Seishiro walk up to the house with two neat Armani suitcases in hand.

"Oh……..my….." they said unanimously.

* * *

The door of the House of the Rising (Evil) Bishie or the HR(E)B as I will call it from now on opened to Seishiro and a merry Fuma burst out of it to welcome the Sakurazukamori with a long, nefarious "MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

He "MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"ed and "BUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"ed for about half an hour during which Seishiro stood and stared at him stoically, lit and smoked two cigarettes to kill time, observed his elegant Rolex every five minutes and eventually lost his patience.

"Are you going to keep this up for very long 'Kamui'-kun?" he asked gently.

"Sorry about that" Fuma inhaled at last "I got a little bit excited with the prospect of the upcoming _EEEEEEEEVIL_ we are about to conduct with you in our rows"

"And don't call him 'Kamui'!" came Kakuyo's gloating voice from the inside "If he can't teach his uke to say that name right we'll call him Fuma as well"

Fuma growled.

Seishiro smirked and walked in "Give him some break, he is still young and mostly ignorant to the art of Uke House Training"

"Yeah" Kakuyo teased onwards "hey, doesn't it itch you?" he asked the sizzling Fuma.

"What itches?" his malevolent comrade asked, getting suspicious.

"Your collar, Uke's Lap Dog" Kakuyo answered, breaking into a fit of his own little 'Muhaha's and 'Buhaha's.

Fuma slammed the door and began roaring when Seishiro spoke with his leveled, cool tone.

"If you'll keep making such a racket I won't feed you ice cream for bedtime"

That silenced Fuma in seconds.

The doorbell rang.

Fuma, who was the closest to it, went to open the door.

An able bodied youth in dark clothes, carelessly combed black hair and an even more careless stance glared up at him. His backpack carried a logo reading 'Green Drugstore' with a large marijuana-like leaf as it's symbol.

Fuma stared back.

The youth glared more powerfully.

Fuma became irritated and began glaring fire at the insolent youth.

The insolent youth glared irritate, yet dismissingly back at him.

Fuma began glaring his most before his composure changed completely, a bright smile spread across his face and his eyes glittered "Welcome brother!" he called out happily.

The youth sneered at the emotional show "Henh, Rikuo Himua" he snarled as his greeting "and you're blocking the entrance".

Fuma made way for the youth to enter, following his new mate with eyes beaming pride.

He didn't get to close the door before yet another tall, dark and evil character walked up to the house.

This man, with spiky hair and fiery iniquitous eyes, was fully clad in ancient Japanese armor, carrying a stylish katana so long and sharp it only seconded Fuma's shinken. His outfit, face and his outrageously long sword were dotted or smeared by the blood of the many men he slay. When he smiled his villainous nature showed in the way his teeth seemed to be a long zigzag line like all evil manga characters.

Fuma filled with pride and excitement at the sight of yet another upcoming malign character joining his household. Never in his dreams did he wish for such a perfect dream-team of inclement.

"Welcome brother!" the leader of the Dragons of Earth called out to his upcoming brother.

The brother growled carelessly, brushed past Fuma violently and groaned something that sounds like "I'm Kurogane, where's the food?" as he walked into the house, straight for the kitchen.

Irritated, Fuma spun around and pointed at the new member "IOkay that was just rude, even for an evil bishie!"

Kurogane and Rikuo in the kitchen hung mildly surprised eyes at him, Kakuyo slouched on the sofa in the nearby living room did the same.

Fuma brightened all of a sudden and spread his arms sideways "I'm so happy!"

A few minutes later a knock was heard on their door, answered by a delightful Fuma. His happiness subsided to mild disappointment and high arrogance when he saw who's on the other side of the door.

"Uh….sorry mister but this is a _Clamp_ characters institution" he said, pointing at the sign by the door reading 'Clamp bishies only!' "So, uh, we don't accept Hellsing characters here.

Confused, the men before him blinked a few times "but I'm not a Hellsing character…." He put his large high tech, space age bazooka/rifle aside him.

Fuma blinked "You're not?"

"No….." the character laughed nervously "I am Bols from Clover" he declared with an atrocious pathos.

"Really? You're not that Anderson guy from Hellsing?" the other 'Kamui' asked with genuine surprise.

Bols glared impatiently "No, I'm not"

"Oh….Okay….." as the new member brushed past him walking into the house Fuma kept mumbling to himself "Sure looks like him thought….."

Another member arrived two hours later. Carrying many bags filled with various cosmetic accessories and his whole wardrobe, Legend of Chun Hyang's An Chon stepped into the house.

After noting that most of his new comrades were busy stuffing their faces with junk food like the good irresponsible and careless punks that they were, An Chon ignored them with an imperious "Hmph" and walked upstairs to settle in his own room.

four hours of unpacking later his new room looked like a beauty saloon for one, complete with a set of hair dryers, tan machine, a well equipped nail priming stand and a makeup table with a very large mirror and filled with various cosmetics products.

Seishiro, who walked past the room's open door, wondered for a split second why a woman was allowed into the House of the Rising (Evil) _Bishies_. Then he snapped back to his usual self and simply couldn't care less.

* * *

Meanwhile, in the house of the Abused Clamp Characters Union, the interviews for new members started.

Hearing her husband's report from the Union, Otaku hurried packing a small suitcase and hurried to join her new members.

She was accepted without an interview, all she had to do was say her name and she was in.

She sat down in the empty chair by Miyuki.

The Union members awaited screaming and panic but the blond teen did nothing, choosing to munch on the end of her pen instead.

Everyone stared at her with surprise.

"What?" Miyuki asked, slightly irritated by the access attention all of a sudden.

"Oh, nothing" Syaoran answered with joyful tears in his eyes "we're just happy that you're starting to recover from the damage Clamp's done to you"

Miyuki blinked "Eh?"

"In case you didn't notice" Kazuhiko, who's seat was taken by Otaku and was now looking for a new one, pointed out "you're sitting next to a _female_ character, a _woman_, and you're not screaming and panicking about the dangers of it"

Miyuki stared at Otaku for a few moments, registering the woman "Oh her?" she laughed lightly "It's okay, I'm only afraid of women with a well affirmed and active libido"

Growing dark red, shaking and producing smoke from both her ears, Otaku answered "I…..have…..a……very…..active…..libido….." she growled.

The blond ignored the warning signs of an upcoming tantrum "no you don't….I mean, you might _have_ a libido but so far you've done nothing about it so….yeah…."

The fight between the two women was stopped only three hours later, after both girls scratched and pulled each other's hairs swore and cursed at each other but mostly did the same and worse to anyone who tried to separate them physically.

The fight stopped to the sound of gunshot ringing through the house.

Everyone stopped dead on their tracks, terrified at the sound of extreme violence.

Otaku and Miyuki leaped away from each other's grasp, "Kyaaa"ing in fear and checking themselves to see if they were shot by the other girl.

After it was clear that the girls weren't the shooters, the comrades began looking around to room for any bullet holes on the walls.

"Funny" Kazuhiko scratched his head as he scanned the walls professionally "I am the only one here with firearms and I am pretty sure I was not the shooter…perhaps someone pulled the trigger on my hand but…" he examined his fake right arm "Nope, it's still in hand mode, I didn't fire"

Another gun shot rang through the house ominously.

"It sounds like it's coming from outside this house" Subaru said from his safe hiding spot behind the living room's sofa.

Everyone ran to the window facing the neighboring house where their supposed abusers now lived.

Another gun shot tore the air.

"It's coming from their back yard" Sai noted.

They ran out to their own backyard to peek at their neighbor's through their common fence.

"They're having target practice!" Kamui called out.

"On a poor defenseless bunny!" Kodu noted with anger.

"Come on guys" Subaru began dragging the youngsters amongst them away into the house with him "They want us to torment ourselves over it, it's just a part of their evil deeds. If we ignore them they'll stop doing that, come on then"

The Union members, reluctantly and complaining about the poor bunny rabbit, walked into the house to resume their earlier business.

* * *

"So….uhhh….where did you get this brilliant target practice bunny Kakuyo?" Fuma asked, crazy happy glitters in his eyes as he loaded another clip into his shot gun.

While he was loading, Kurogane was having his shot at the bunny, slicing the air with his huge sword trying to catch the swirling silly white rabbit holding an innocent little flower.

"Ah, that's Usagi, God's messenger from my manga"

Fuma blinked at the ridiculous, white, adorable, yet awfully silly bunny twirling as it escaped Kurogane's slashes. "_That_….is God's messenger?"

Kakuyo "Tssked" and shrugged "Yeah, stupid kawai shojo-manga creature. Don't ask me why he's like that, he's not from my side, I'm on Satan's" he resumed flipping through his sleazy semi-pornographic cool motorcycles magazine.

"That's just stupid" Fuma called out, suddenly shooting his eyes to Bols who was busy fumbling with the BBQ grill they installed in the backyard "I mean, forgive me if I'm offending you Vatican man but…"

"Are you referring to me?" Bols asked puzzled.

"Yeah, you know, with you being a Vatican priest thingy and with me about to talk blasphemy, I thought I aught to apologize before I sta…."

"I'm not from the Vatican…." Bols growled, starting to get annoyed with this new habit everyone picked up lately.

"…..You're not? But you're in that Escargot thingy, that's the Vatican's thirteen…."

"I am not Anderson" Bols huffed and puffed "I am Bols, from Clover!" he strangled a scream.

"Yeah, whatever, Balls, hurry up with the BBQ okay, I'm getting hungry again" Kurogane sheathed his enormous sword and gestured for Fuma to try and take his aiming at Usagi.

Bols brushed his name's wrong pronouncing under the claim that at least he didn't call him Anderson, and resumed his BBQ preparing.

"I'm sorry, it's still a little too silly for me, this whole Usagi as a messenger for God Almighty….." Fuma resumed his speech, slightly irritated that the spotlight was moved from him to someone else

"I mean look at him….._that_ is the representative of The Creator! It's a stupid little adorable bunny! And it's name! it means 'rabbit'!

"Just imagine it" he rose to his feet, lifting his hands in the air as if in awe or prayer "'Behold, God's messenger, Rabbit!' it's stupid!"

Kakuyo began giggling, rising to his feet as well and taking Fuma's position "Or even sillier, 'Behold! God's messenger, Mister Rabbit!'"

They laughed, making the rest of the evil men in the backyard snigger as well.

"Oh, that's a good one; he's not really a rabbit he's more like a bunny 'Behold! God's messenger, Bunny!'" Fuma called out.

After folding in half laughing like mad, Kakuyo managed to catch his breath and resume his mocking position "Or better still, 'Praise the Lord God and his holy messenger, Mister Bunny Rabbit"

Both teens fell to the floor and rolled on the grass a little, shaking with their uncontrollable giggling.

When he calmed down a little Fuma sat up "Ah….all that laughing made me thirsty, hey Seishiro, throw me a beer can will you?"

Seishiro, who was slouched across a sun bed by the table earlier containing a few beer cans, gazed at the now empty table "There are non left 'Kamui'"

"Aaaaaaw!...go fetch us a new six-pack then" He Who Hunts the Authority of God (and his Messenger, Mister Bunny Rabbit) ordered his minion.

"Bite me" his minion answered, resuming his sun tanning.

"**_What!_** How dare you ans….."

"Do you need a beer refill?" Seishiro's voice, laced with kindness and warmth, came from Fuma's _other_ side.

Fuma turned his eyes from the Sakurazukamori to lay eyes on….yet another one……

A Seishiro in a long black cape and a strange large crucifix on a necklace smiled down at him, holding a six-pack.

Like the rest of the evil bishies in the yard besides the other Seishiro, Fuma turned his eyes from one Guardian of the Cherry Blossom Burial Mound to the second one without making a sound.

The next sound they made was: "**AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!**"

* * *

Like a storm, like a natural disaster, like a force of nature unstoppable, the Evil Bishies blew into the Union's home. They didn't speak, they didn't even do anything evil to anyone, they simply hid and shook with fear.

Recovering from the shock of this sudden invasion, Kamui glared down at Fuma who began recovering his own shock at the presence of his uke and started allowing his hands a little too much freedom with Kamui's body.

"What are you doing here Fuma?" Kamui glared.

"He's your lap dog, he missed you" came a scorning voice from under the kitchen table where Kakuyo's eyes glimmered with malice.

"Shut up!" Fuma barked back, using his distracting angry voice to wrap Kamui in his arms and place the boy on his lap like a doll or a kitten.

"What's gotten into you?" Syaoran asked his dark partner to the travels who was trying to cover himself with a tea cup.

"There……there's…..there's……." Kurogane mumbled back.

"There's two of them……." An Chon shuddered under Sai's chair. He received a cruel kick to the ribs by the girl sitting above him.

"Two of what?" Kamui asked, fiercely squirming to try and escape his twin star's iron grip on his body and some of it's more privet parts.

"Two…..two……two….." Rikuo mumbled behind the kitchen wall "two Seishiro……"

"Two of them…….over there……." Kakuyo pointed at the direction of his house with a shaking hand.

"As if one isn't enough….hellooooooo Prince" Bols sniggered from his hiding spot. He hid under Kazuhiko's chair, now he began emerging from there, appearing between the Union member's legs.

Kazuhiko glared back, preparing an attack against the upcoming sexual harassment when Miyuki fired the ultimate weapon against it.

"Hey" she chirped in innocent curiosity "aren't you that guy from Hellsing, the priest thingy?"

Bols removed his hands from Kazuhiko's legs and turned his glaring eyes to the blond behind him "No…….." he growled "I am Bols from Clover, isn't it right Princy-puu" he turned to his object of desire again.

"Hmmm…..now that you mention it" the object sniggered "You do kind of remind him you know"

"Two Seishiro?" came Subaru's voice. The onemoji was somewhere in another atmosphere, trying to decide whether or not it was good to have two Seishiro's in his little world.

"Hey!" speaking of the devil "where did you go? I thought you wanted more beer" the newly joined Seishiro poked his head through the window the two cottages shared, facing one another so that it was basically one window.

Slowly, as if in a dream, Subaru turned his head to gaze upon this other Seishiro who sounded somewhat different then the one he knew since he was nine years old.

The evil bishies squealed and resumed their hiding.

"What are you so afraid of all of a sudden?" the Seishiro asked, slightly irritated "I'm not the Sakurazukamori one, I'm the Tsubasa one. I'm the nice one, didn't I teach you how to fight Syaoran? Wasn't I nice to you?"

Syaoran nodded.

"I'm the one who cares, who has emotions, the one who isn't a complete cold hearted bastard" the Tsubasa Seishiro continued.

"NOOO! Subaru! Stop it!"

"Stay with us Subaru! Stay with us!"

"Be strong brother!"

"Do not be tempted by their cunning traps Sumeragi-san!"

"**LET ME GOOOOOOOO!** LET ME GO, DAMN YOU! Let me at him! He's everything I ever dreamed of!"

"Subaru! Hang on brother Seal, be strong! Stay with us, don't defect!" Kamui called out, fighting Fuma's grip to try and join the others as they grabbed at the light onemoji struggling to keep him from jumping through the common window at the Tsubasa Seishiro.

"Oh shut up you frigid bitch!" Subaru barked back at him "Can't you see I'm trying to get laid!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, go on then" Otaku let her grip go, helping a brother achieve the cause she strives for so desperately.

With her surprisingly strong grip stopped, Subaru was able to shake the rest off and leap at the new Seishiro, wrapping his arms around him and clinging like an over love-deprived puppy. From his secure spot Subaru nuzzled the black cape and cooed "I love you Seishiro-san, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I loooooove you"

The Seishiro blinked down at the new addition to his body with surprise. Then he pulled out a rosary of little garlics and a wooden stake from his pockets, aiming them at Subaru. Before he did anything rash, the kind Seishiro stopped to make sure this is the right guys "Are you a vampire by any chance?"

Subaru stared at his beloved "Errr……nope……"

"Oh" the Seishiro said, skillfully pealing the access Subaru off of him and sending it through the window back to his home "then I'm not interested in you" disappointed, he returned his hunting tools back to his pockets.

"Isn't vampire hunting your job?" Sai asked, speaking to Bols.

"No, I am….."

"Ah, but you use sanctified bayonets, not wooden stakes and stuff" Sai ignored the shaking Bols as she mumbled on.

"Grrrrrrrrrrr"

"So as I said" the Tsubasa Seishiro said, brushing his fingernails against his cape "I am not that cruel and evil bastard"

"You mean you're a shame to the tradition standing behind our name" came the X and Tokyo Babylon Seishiro's voice from deeper in the house.

The Tsubasa one turned to him angrily "No, I am not a shame, I did something very wrong to Syaoran here, I took one of his feathers away and I won't give it back"

"Ooooooooooo" Sakurazuka Seishiro imitated surprise in the fakest way he could produce "how eeeeeevil!"

The Tsubasa one glared at him.

"You _helped_ that little brat with something, you were _nice_ to him and _taught_ him something _valuable_ for his life, how can you call yourself a self respecting Seishiro after doing something like that!"

"You _sang Kareoke_ in your Tokyo Babylon time" the Tsubasa one snapped back.

If he wasn't baffled and very aroused by this double Seishiro, Subaru would have cringed at the mentioning of events from the Year.

"You _apologized_ before you disappeared with his feather!"

"You _talked to penguins_! And your uke wasn't even around to hear it!"

"So what? If my leader can be extremely silly and _put_ _a toy frog on his head _to amuse a little girl, I can be as silly as I want to be! At least I'm not _genuinely kind_!"

Suddenly a strange long silence spread across the scene as everyone realized what Seishiro just said. They slowly turned their gaze towards Fuma who stared back in terror as one of his darkest secrets was revealed.

The first to giggle was Kamui, breaking into long bellowing laughter quickly.

Next came Subaru, infecting Seishiro with his modest laughter.

Suddenly the house was invaded by X characters, Harbingers and Seals alike, all laughing their heads off, some pointing at Fuma as they chortled madly.

But not only the seven of each side enter the house to mock Fuma; other, side characters, soon invaded the Union's space to join the fun: Saiki entered first, joining his uncle's side. Sakurazuka Satsuka joined her son in pointing and laughing at his leader. Sohi and Hien walked in, carrying Hinoto in their arms, all three of them stopped and laughed a little away from the simmering Fuma. Fuma's father, his mother and his sister, all came back from the dead to stand with the group and laugh at their blood relative. Kamui's mom joined him to laugh, Akira, S, Nakuro, came through the door and added to the noise. Even the little girl to whom the damned frog belonged joined in the fun, even Yuzuriha's little grade school friends came! Magami Tokiko, the old Lady Sumeragi, Old Man Stargazer, Yuzuriha's grandmother, Hokuto came back to life to laugh….Keiichi walked in to join them….every possibly X character filled the little house with the deafening noise of laughter.

Standing in the middle of the giggling group, Fuma slowly reached higher and higher levels of anger until he was ready to explode.

Instead he merely fixed them with his hardest glare and snarled "if you will not stop this right now I will go into X the Movie mode and **KILL YOU ALL!**"

The laughter was silenced in seconds and everyone hurried away, terrified.

All but one boy; Kamui. The pretty semi-Uke smiled a cunning little smile and snarled, just as his twin star did, "if you go into X the Movie mode, so will I….."

Feeling out his intact neck, well attaching his head to the rest of his body, Fuma mumbled "okay….maybe not…"

Since the house was now empty besides the invading Evil Bishies and the Union members, Subaru thought it was time for them to leave "okay, go back to your homes, you do not belong here!"

The bishies began leaving,. Still eyeing the extra Seishiro who was peeping at the Union's house curiously. All but one bishie left. Fuma encircled his arms around Kamui and began tracing his hands across the pretty boy's body.

Squirming like his life was depending on it (which was, in some perspective, true), Kamui fought for his freedom. "let me go! Let me go Fuma! Goddamnit, I'm not your pet!"

Rolling his eyes upwards to remember, Fuma mumbled "oh right, I didn't have the chance to put the ring on you yet…"

Recognizing the filthy, dirty, nasty, awful, lewd Yaoi anime that came from and a hint of honesty in Fuma's words, Kamui found new strength in him and ran out of the seme's arms as fast as he could. He dashed under the kitchen table and stayed there, shaking like a leaf until Fuma left.

On his way out, An Chon noted a little girl somewhat familiar to him standing at the doorway waiting for the grand mess to end. He looked down at the girl who looked up at him, recognized him and filled with intense fury all of a sudden.

"do I know you?" the blond bishie asked.

The little girl seemed to be consumed by her overflowing anger, then she calmed down a little and growled "no….you don't know _this_ me….."

The blond shrugged and walked away, mincing like a chick on Malibu beach.

The little girl stomped her way up to the interviewing table and stood there, waiting for the Union members to rearrange themselves after the bishies's invasion.

"yes….and you are?" Subaru, who finally got his wits back after his Seishiro and the second one withdrew from the two houses' joined window, sat down and asked the girl before them.

"I am Chun Hyang, from Tsubasa that is"

"and you are an abused Clamp character because?"

"because unlike the original 1996 Chun Hyang I only lose my mother and nothing else. You see, she is a professional martial arts master, while I am nothing but a bitching little girl. She is constantly portrayed as a beautiful maiden while I am hardly ever recognized as _anything! _She gets her revenge on the Yang Ban, while I just stand there and cry!" she looked away, biting her lower lip to contain her upcoming anger "and worst of all……worst of all…………

"**she gets a boyfriend!**" she screamed at the top of her little lungs.

The members stared at her amazed, Otaku already developing affection towards the little girl deprived as she is.

"I mean sure," Chun Hyang mumbled on after she finished calming her nerves once more "he is a strange hybrid between the Tokyo Babylon version of your boyfriend" she said, pointing at Subaru "and Tamahome but it's a boyfriend/suitor that I don't have! I don't even have the chance!" finally, emptied of her anger, Chun Hyang began to cry.

Otaku hurried to her side, picking the little girl in her arms and carrying her behind the interviewing desk. She hugged her until the girl calmed down and stopped crying.

"so…." Chun sobbed "so….i is a part of the union?"

Kamui (calm and sane again) looked down at her with soft, caring eyes and smiled "yes, you are".

Suddenly the crying little defenseless girl disappeared, leaving room for an energetic rebel to burst into her. She leaped out of Otaku's arms and landed on the table, placing her leg on Syaoran's shoulder to pose victoriously.

"YESSSS!" suddenly, strange music began playing across the house. Drum roll like in a military march was heard, and deep voices of men with heavy Russian accent accompanied Chun Hyang as she sang:

"_Arise ye pris'ners of molestation  
Arise ye wretched of the abuse  
For justice thunders condemnation  
A better world's in birth!  
No more Clamp's chains shall bind us  
Arise, ye slaves, no more in thrall;  
The earth shall rise on new foundations  
We have been naught we shall be all._

_We want no condescending semes or saviours  
to rule us from their judgement hall  
We workers ask not for their favours  
Let us consult for all.  
To make the Apapa disgorge her pencil  
To free the spirit from its cell  
We must ourselves decide our duty  
We must decide and do it well. _

_The Ohkawa oppresses us and tricks us,  
the yaoi slave system drains our blood;  
The four are free from obligation,  
The laws the poor delude.  
Too long we've languished in subjection,   
Equality has other laws;  
"No rights," says she "without their duties,  
No claims on equals without cause." _

_Behold them seated in their studio  
The queens of mine and rail and soil!  
What have you read in all their mangas,  
But how they plundered toil?  
Fruits of the characters' toil are buried  
In strongholds of the idle few  
In working for their restitution  
the characters will only claim their due._

_We toilers from all anime united  
Join hand in hand with all who work;  
The earth belongs to us, the characters,  
No room here for the fangirl.  
How many on our flesh have fattened!  
But if the norsome birds of prey  
Shall vanish from the sky some morning  
The blessed sunlight then will stay_"

sweatdropping, the Union members felt a chill down their spine. Their seemingly easy plan to strike for their sanity now began to turn into something far wilder then they imagined…..

* * *

**NEXT ON 'The Abused Clamp Characters Union': **the abuse from the House of the Rising (Evil) Bishie continues…. 


	4. Abuse

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Clamp's character. The song Tree-san is singing belongs to whomever wrote Little Shop of Horrors. The song from the onmyouji commercial belongs to Parker Ray.

**Author's thanks: **first of all go to my Beta, Morphia. RavynArcher tell me who this Eagle is and what Clamp did to him so maybe he can get into the union K? Mel-chan-of-doom thank you, Whitesakura I know Keiichi is a bit amused but if Akira hurt the Union's angst lobe think of what Keiichi might to do them….plus Kamui has enough people molesting him as it is ne? Koneko hey who isn't a SeixSub whore? Kimiyae thank you thank you! Many many thanks to my loyal tekoo, AnnKniggendorf I would have made Seishiro into a Union member himself if he wasn't abuse on two legs ne, sakuryo thanks! Onee-san thank you for correcting me about the onmyouji thing! Wind Wanderer I kinda like Clamp abusing their characters too because, let's face it, there wouldn't be any good plot without it right?

**Warning: **slight bitching and minor swearing. Not something too serious.

* * *

**Chapter 4 – Abuse**

A few mornings after, Tsubasa Seishiro walked down from his room to the little corner in their house where the fax machine lay. From the other characters in his house he heard that whatever came from the fax machine was directed to Seishiro and so, as the machine before him began buzzing and signaling it was emitting something, Tsubasa Seishiro awaited whatever came out of it.

The fax soon emerged, it's title reading _"To our evil bishies, from Clamp"_

The rest of the text contained only two words: _"Commence abuse"_

"Eh?" the Seishiro rubbed the back of his neck, somewhat confused.

The machine began working again, this time spewing a fax containing the following text: _"Abuse the Union members"_

Noting that the machine was somehow responding to what he said, Seishiro attempted a conversation with it. "But…uh….you see…I'm….kind of nice here so I don't really know if I can abuse anyone…."

The next fax read _"Not you, wimp, them!"_

Shocked and insulted, the Seishiro blinked at the machine "Did….did you just call me a wimp!"

"_Damn right we did, now get this message to the other (less wimpy) evil bishies: Commence the abuse!"_

Choking down a whimper, Tsubasa Seishiro took the first fax and brought it over to the house's dining table where the rest of his flat mates sat munching on breakfast.

"A fax came from Clamp" he declared carelessly, placing the paper on the table.

"Good, good" Fuma smirked after reading the two words from his creators.

"This seems like a good time for a house meeting" An Chon suddenly chimed "there's something I wanted to talk to you about, especially with you" he pointed his well manicured forefinger at Kakuyo.

"Me?"

"Yes"

"What do you want!"

"You sing in the shower. It's disturbing"

"I was about to note you about it myself actually" X and TB Seishiro added, this morning's fifth cigarette dangling from his lips most Spike Spiegel like.

"What's wrong with him singing in the shower?" Fuma came to his fellow brat's help "I think he sings quite beautifully"

"I know that's what you think and this is exactly the problem" An Chon grumbled "because you think it's so lovely that you come in a join him!"

"And it's ghastly" Seishiro actually _shuddered _"it reminds me of this one time when I accidentally fed the sakura to a Broadway singer…."

_Flashback_

Seishiro stands in Ueno Park, lighting a cigarette with his bloody hand and preparing to leave for home.

"_Feed me" _came a low voice from behind him.

Seishiro turns around, baffled "eh?"

"_Feeeeeeeeed me!" _it's the sakura speaking!

"But….but I just did…." Seishiro struggles to keep his calm demeanor.

Suddenly lights begin dancing across the gigantic tree, it's bark stretches and moves like a dancing human body and it's branches start shaking and rattling like it's the arms of a dancer _"Feeed me Sei-chan! Feed me aaaaal night long!" _it sings.

Seishiro is frozen with fear and shock.

But the tree continues _"Feeeed me Sei-chan, 'coz if you feeeed me Sei-chan, I can lure in extra branch ruffling Subaru more ruffling kuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun branches dancing like little waves"_

_End of flashback_

Seishiro shuddered "And he didn't even keep his promise"

"And besides" An Chon ripped everybody's attention back to him "you don't _really _just sing there, you finish your song and move to do other things…"

"And then we have to listen to _that _too" Bols chimed in.

"Well maybe we're not asking you if you're disturbed by what we do, Anderson!" Kakuyo spat back, irritated.

Bols began shaking with anger….suddenly he took out a book called 'How to Have a Calmer Life' and began flipping through it's pages. As he found what he was looking for he began reading out loud to himself.

"Take a deep breath" he took a huge gulp of a deep breath "now, slowly, count to ten"

Bols tilted his head backwards and began counting "1…….2……..3……..4……..5…….6……" somewhere along the way you could hear by his tone that he was indeed relaxing "….7…….8…….9……10" he exhaled slowly, a long happy smile spread on his face

"Ah….that did me a world of good….. " he said calmly "**I AM NOT ANDESRON YOU BUNCH OF ANNOYING BRATS!**"

Fuma, kakuyo, Kurogane and Rikou shot to Tsubasa Seishiro, hiding behind his long dress-like cape, clutching it's edges like frightened children.

"The evil man scared me mommy….he really, really did" Fuma whimpered into the black of Seishiro's cape.

"Let go of my cape little brat and don't call me mommy!"

Fuma sobbed reluctantly "But….but you remind me of mommy…."

Tsubasa Seishiro smirked maliciously "Why? Do I sleep with women? Do I explode to give birth to a sword and make your sister into a babbling idiot?"

Fuma glared fire back at him.

He forgot about it as soon as he settled back in his dining room table chair "Damn I'm thirsty. Ne, Kurogane, fetch me a beer will ya?"

Kurogane shot to his feet with an excited leap and a happy expression on his face "Yorokonde!...NOT! Get it yourself bitch!"

The earth began shaking under their little cottage as Fuma's glare intensified.

With his metaphoric tale between his legs, Kurogane began backing down towards the kitchen's refrigerator "All right Fuma-sama, I'll get you a beer, anything you want"

"That's a good boy"

"I think that's what Clamp tried to tell us" X and TB Seishiro said, scanning the fax page "they were trying to make us stop abusing each other and start abusing the Union members like what we're were put here for"

"What are you talking about?" An Chon wondered.

"I'm talking about things like last night….."

_Flashback 2_

In the HR(E)B living room after dinner time, the bishies gather to watch television.

Tsubasa Seishiro walks down to the living room and looks for a place to sit. There's non left. The one seat couch is taken by the other Seishiro and the other, bigger sofa is taken by the Four brats and An Chon.

Huffing and puffing, TRC Seishiro sits on the carpet before the larger sofa, trying to make himself comfortable on the hard surface.

Smirking like evil incarnated, Kakuyo bends forward and smacks the back of Tsubasa Seishiro's neck.

By the time Seishiro turns around to see who the culprit is, all the sofa residents are looking innocently away, twirling their forefinger in the air and "bzzzzz"ing unanimously.

Grumbling and mumbling, the Seishiro turns back to the television screen.

As soon as he does, Fuma bends forward and deals a smack to the poor character's neck again.

Yet again everybody twirls their fingers and "buzz", guilt free.

Once again Seishiro turns back to the television, holding back a few nasty curses.

This time Kurogane bends forward and slaps Seishiro's nape.

And once again they buzz united.

X and TB Seishiro starts sniggering, receiving a death glare from his other world self and brushing it off carelessly.

The next slap comes from Rikuo and he escapes it easily. Seishiro starts to get VERY angry as he turns back to the television.

With a silly, excited smile on his face, An Chon bends forward and smacks the back of Seishiro's neck.

"**THAT'S IT! WHICH ONE OF YOU IDIOTS IS DOING THAT!**"

TRC Seishiro is boiling with angry, his glasses _on_.

(Now _here _you _really _see the difference between differed dimensions don't you? One Seishiro takes his glasses _off _to become 'not as kind as Subaru-kun' while the other dimension Seishiro puts his glasses _on _to be evil! Oooooooooooooo, aaaaaaaaaaa!

Back to the plot...)

This time when Tsubasa Seishiro (for extra evil please _apply_ glasses) spins around to face the culprit he sees An Chon twirling his finger and buzzing alone with the rest of the sofa's residence staring at him accusingly.

"Hey!...come on people, help me out here" the blond bishie begs them.

They shake their heads reprimanding. "Really An Chon….such childish behavior" Kakuyo rebukes.

"I'd expect better behavior from you" Fuma chimes in.

Seishiro takes his glasses off, tears start wallowing in his eyes. He shuffles out of the living room, whimpering and mumbling under his breath about how everyone's so nasty to him.

The brat quartet follows him with their eyes as he climbs the stairs back to his room.

"WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMP!"

"MOMMYYYYYYYY!" Tsubasa Seishiro slams his door behind him, his sobs and whimpers heard through the walls for the rest of the night.

_End of flashback _

"But that was really fun" Kurogane moaned.

TRC Seishiro whimpered once more.

"I think" X and TB Seishiro (for extra evil please _remove_ glasses) said "that what Clamp meant to say is that we should save our strength and evil for the Union members so we can better abuse them"

And so they did.

* * *

In the meantime, back at the Union house, another day of striking and interviewing potential new members began.

A strapping tall young boy walked into the Union's living room, his Clamp Campus uniforms tidy and his blue hair well combed.

"Takamura Souh from Clamp Campus Detectives" he announced his name.

"Yes Souh-kun, why do you want to join us?" Kudo asked, feeling awfully mature for leading the interview this time.

"It's because of my boss, Imonoyama Nakuro. He is the student board president and I am his secretary, but you see…that guy….he cannot sit on a chair and do proper paperwork for three second! The only thing on his mind is playing and doing silly things, chasing after girls or doing his stupid detective work, anything but his duty!

"Clamp made me his bodyguard too so every time he starts playing around with dangerous things like real firearms or jumping out of windows into trees to collect some stupid silk stocking, every time he has some stupid fan who wants to dance with him in the latest ball and pushes him off a balcony I'm the one who ends up getting hurt….I don't mind that really because that's my duty and all but….

"I just wish he could comply with his paperwork once in a while and give me a break from constantly chasing after him to do it!

"I wish….I wish I could strap him to his chair and _make _him do it!"

The Union sat in silence.

"That's….not really abuse is it?" Kudo huffed in disappointment "You can strap him if you want, I'm sure Clamp would only enjoy you doing it"

"Eh?" Suoh's golden eyes filled with hope suddenly.

"Yeah, and you know what?" Kudo babbled on, ignoring the worried glances from his comrades "You can go to the house next door, I'm sure they can give you many advices of how to strap him, if not teach you new methods"

"Wow! Thanks!" Suoh hurried out of the room with a cunning smile on his face.

"Umm….Kudo-kun…." Subaru mumbled uncomfortably.

"What?"

"Uh…that may lead to some serious damage you know, that house is evil, heaven knows what they might make of him"

"Nah, it'll be alright"

Or will it?

* * *

"Okay people, let's take a little break shall we, I really gatta go to the bathroom" Kamui rose to his feet and cleared everybody's tea mugs before hurrying up to the toilets.

Kazuhiko was just about to go and brew some more tea for everybody when he noticed a single coin from his world, landing on the floor by him.

His back to the common window his house shares with the HR(E)B, Kazuhiko bent down to pick the coin up.

He nearly jumped a mile in the air as he felt a sharp meaningful pinch to his rear end "EEEEK!"

He spun around angrily to see Bols sniggering in the common window, holding a high-tech devise able of stretching to close the distance between it's target and it's user. On the end of the device was a plastic hand capable of reaching out and deliver more pinches like the one Kazuhiko just received.

"Heeloooooooo prince" Bols leered, sending his device forward to grab Kazuhiko's left nipple.

"Ouch! You damn sadist bastard!" Kazuhiko reached to the button on his fake right arm and changed it to gunshot mode. He aimed and gained a direct hit to Bols's forehead.

The evil Clover character was thrown backwards into the house it came from, crushing into the opposite wall and slumping down to the ground, lifeless.

"Oh my god! They killed Bols!" TRC Seishiro cried.

"Nah, he's not really dead" Kakuyo calmed him after carefully examining the body.

"But…they shot him in the head…it's…kinda fatal you know…"

"Not for him it's not" the son of Satan took another large gulp from his beer.

"It's not?"

"No man, this is Anderson remember? He'll regenerate and get back on his feet in no time, don't worry about it"

"O…..kay….." Seishiro tried to calm himself down. The sounds of whiplash coming from the room where most of his housemates entertained Suoh were starting to get on his nerves.

* * *

Miyuki used the little break in interviews to go out to her house's back yard and do her laundry.

"Hmmm….." she said thoughtfully "I didn't really bring extra clothes and I'm kinda starting to stink here….I guess I have no choice then…." She checked her vicinity for any signs of feminine characters and when she saw there were non Miyuki began removing her clothes and chucking them into a plastic tub filled with scented laundry water.

Kurogane popped his head above the backyard fence, observing the slowly stripping young woman.

"Helloooooo there" he purred at her.

Miyuki stared at him then broke into a bright smile "Good morning!" she resumed removing her skirt ignoring the fiery stares from the evil Tsubasa character.

Pleased with this free striptease, Kurogane cracked a beer can open, lit a cigarette and enjoyed his time.

"MIYUKI-CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!" Otaku's horrified cry came from the house. Otaku grabbed a towel from the house's bathroom and hurried to block Kurogane's view of Miyuki's now full nudity.

"What are you doing Miyuki-chan!"

"What? Did I do something wrong? It's only laundry you know…."

"Yes but can't you see that there's a sleazy man watching your bare body like that!" Otaku barked back, glaring fire at Kurogane.

Miyuki had to think about it for a moment "But he's a man, he won't do me any harm and he's not really interested in my body, women on the other hand do"

Otaku sighed with exasperation "You don't understand Miyuki-chan! It might be that way in your world but this is another world! This is reality!

"This man here, he's just as bad as all the creatures hurled at you in your manga, he's after your body, craving to watch it and grab it and touch it and…..I think I'll do laundry too…."

Miyuki glared at her "Oh really now?"

"Yeah I really start to stink you know and it's always important to keep your hygiene right?" Otaku chirped merrily, removing her shirt and bra quickly and giving Kurogane meaningful stares.

"Don't you have a husband or something?"

"That's okay" Kurogane answered Miyuki "it's not like I'll leap over to your side of the fence and actually _do_ something with any of you"

Otaku's hopes shattered "You won't?"

"Hell no!"

"Why not?" tears started forming in her abused eyes.

"Because you might want to get involve with me more then that one time and there's no way in hell I'm getting involved with any female Clamp characters"

"Why not?" Miyuki asked, honestly curious.

"Because you're all stark raving mad, that's why!" Rikou joined his HR(E)B comrade.

"What do you mean!" Otaku huffed, starting to cover herself as her efforts proved pointless.

"Well just look at all the female characters in Clamp, from TB to our days; the majority of them are crazy!

"It's all 'I slept with the director but my movie got canceled, I hate Tokyo!' or 'We're three crazy high school girls who talk on the phone and think we're gonna be something big in 1999 but for now we're casting spells on people' or 'I WANT A KYDNEY FOR MY SON SO I'LL POKE YOUR EYE OUT! BUHAHAHAHAH' you know?"

Otaku and Miyuki shook their head.

Kurogane sighed, taking over for his friend "Or it's 'aaaaa! I lost my pet _peacock _Pochi, help me find him NOOOOOW' or 'Oh no, I'm hiding kittens in the arts room please don't tell anyone!' or 'I don't want to bake apple pies because my attempts to get a higher grade by sleeping with my teacher aren't working' that sort of craziness"

Miyuki and Otaku started glaring.

"And don't forget the latest nutcases: 'I want the monkey's paw NOW!' or 'You're my twin sister but I'll still say that you'll never add up to nothing and bind you with my words so you can really never succeed in anything' or 'I don't have any bad habits, la did a, oh my I can't move my little finger, tee hee'"

"Oh, oh" Rikou interfered "and if you're talking about 'tee hee' let us not forget one of Clamp's head nutcases! 'AAA a broken doll is dead mommy! A squashed bird is dead mommy! Help me Kamui, I know you're all hung up on my brother but I still want to try and get laid before I die! Here, I'll grab your attention by fainting and having a semi heart attack! I love the sky and the ocean and INDIGO because Kamui is in all of them, tee hee, tee hee, tee…..oh my…."

The "oh my" was on the account of Fuma walking up behind Rikou and poking his shoulder lightly.

"That's my sister you're putting down you know" he glared like only the creature of sheer evil and malice that he is can.

"Excuse me for a second please, but I believe I need to go and change into another pair of pants….." Rikou whimpered and crawled away from the yard, his legs shaking too badly to allow him to walk properly.

"And that, ladies, Kurogane continued where Fuma cut them off "is why most male Clamp characters are gay or bisexual, much like Anne Rice male characters now that I think about it…."

"But there are straight male characters in Clamp's works" Otaku argued back "take…..umm……errr………uh……ah! Aoki Seiichiro from your manga Fuma!"

"Nah, he might look like the good family man but you never know what lurks within…."

"Are you trying to tell us that The World's Straightest Man is actually gay!" Miyuki sighed in disbelieve.

"Do you remember chapter 19 in X?" Fuma smiled.

"Y…yeah…"

"That short exchange between my harbinger Yutu and Aoki about a meeting later that evening…."

"….yeah….."

"Just because everybody made a big fuss out of it because they thought it was a fight doesn't actually _mean _they were meeting up to _fight_"

"……but in chapter 21 they do fight!" Otaku called out, raking her memory for X information.

"That's only because that blond idiot started bitching about Seiichiro's departed cousin, now that's no way to start a date is it?"

"Well……" the girls were deep in thought.

"Miyuki-chan, Otaku-san! We're starting the interviews again, please come on in!" Syaoran called the two girls back into the Union house.

"Okay!" Otaku called back. She suddenly noticed that Miyuki had all her clothes 0on again and that they were clean and dry.

"Hey, Miyuki-chan, how did you get your clothes to cry so quickly, you just soaked them into the washing liquid"

"Oh, the authoress cleaned and dried my clothes faster" Miyuki said, pointing at the figure standing outside their fence.

"Oh my god, she's got Nakago all bound and helpless!"

"Poor thing, he's getting really molested isn't he? Wonder why she's doing it here of all places"

"Oh no, look" Otaku pointed at the brat quartet, with Suoh, sitting in front of the authoress and the bound Nakago, eagerly watching and taking notes.

* * *

"Uh, didn't we already interview you?" Sai stared at the beautiful blond with strange pink and white plastic ears poking at the side of her head.

"Yeah I think we did" Subaru added "only you came in with this really sexually deprived kid named Hideki or something.

"You must be referring to my sister Elda, or as she is now called, Chi"

"Sister? Aren't you some kind of robots or something?" Kamui asked, his eyes strolling up and down the persocom's lovely body.

Something tugged at Subaru's mind making him cringe.

"We were both manufactured by the same two scientists. They treated us like their daughters and so we are sisters. My name is Freya from Chobits"

"So, Freya, what makes you an abused Clamp character?" Kazuhiko asked above various inner parts of his right arm's rifle he was cleaning after using them on Bols.

"I was the first to be made by my 'parents', later came El…Chi. Clamp made me fall in love with my own father and have my heart broken and torn in two between my love for mother and my love for father.

"Then, overwhelmed by heartache, I shut myself down and downloaded all my personal data to my sister, living on inside her to serve as her mentor through life every time she gets confused about something"

"That's forced death" Miyuki said, ticking the little boxes on her Clamp Charges page off "loss of love, hopeless love….pretty cruel I'd say"

The rest of the Union nodded with agreement, her place amongst them was pretty much ensured.

"Hang on a second" Subaru suddenly called "if you shut yourself down, how come you're here?"

"I forced myself out of my sister's system and fled back to my body" Freya said, glaring angrily suddenly.

"W…why? What happened?"

"Someone amongst you advised Hideki of how to give vent his needs and I'm sorry but I just can't stand the noise anymore"

Subaru looked form places to bury himself in under the fiery robotic glare.

"Well…anyways, welcome to the Union comerada!" Chun Hyang leaped to her feet enthusiastically.

"Chun, what did I tell you about your over the top excitement?" Kamui silenced her.

Chun Hyang cringed, climbing off the table.

"And stop placing your foot on people already, we're not posing steps you know!" the uke-like character barked on.

"I'm sorry……" she whimpered, removing her foot from Kakyou's sleeping form. It was too late, the yumemie was already roused.

He rubbed his eyes and yawned, looking around all baffled and disheveled.

"It's okay Kakyou-san, you can go back to sleep" Subaru tried to talk to Unions most effeminate member.

Kakyou stared at Subaru with big foggy eyes before he whimpered "Hokuto" and crushed back into la la land.

Subaru suppressed a need to grab the blond and scream at him to stop it already 'coz it's really getting on his nerves.

The little incident did not pass unnoticed by the HR(E)B members.

Perched on the common window between the two cottages, Fuma rubbed his chin thoughtfully.

"In his slumber he confused one sibling with the other…..I wonder….."

He snuck into the Union's house, crawled under Kakyou's seat how he did it without getting noticed? The authoress stopped molesting Alucard (this time it was him) and helped him and shook the yumemie back to coherency.

Kakyou stared down at him with sleep's heavy clouds still in his eyes and mumbled "Kotori" before resuming his deep slumber.

As soon as Fuma snuck back into his own territory he struck an evil pose "Perfect! I have a plan of how to abuse my dearly beloved uke and a head Union member! BUHAHAHAHAHA, MUHAHAHAHA"

Then he snapped his head at Kurogane and Kakuyo's direction "Will you help me with my EEEEEVIL plan?"

The nefarious grins on their faces ensured a positive answer.

* * *

Kamui was just making another round of tea for everybody during their next break when he heard a familiar scream outside his house.

"EEEEP! HELP ME KAMUI!"

It was Kotori!

Kamui shot out of the house to see his beloved childhood love, standing between Kakuyo and Kurogane who were grinning evilly and trying to hurt her.

"Hurry Kamui, oh please hurry and save me!" Kotori yelled helplessly.

"I'm coming Kotori!" Kamui dashed towards the three characters "Leave her alone you damn bastards!" he roared, sending huge energy blasts at the two HR(E)B members who comfortably "eep"d and ran away back to their den.

Kamui rushed towards Kotori who embraced him lovingly right away.

"Oh Kotori! You're here! You're alive! I'm so happy!"

"Yes Kamui!" called the indigo loving blond, running her hand all over Kamui's body.

"Ne, Kotori….being dead kinda made you taller you know…."

"Oh forget about such trifles Kamui, I love you and I'm finally with you!" she called back to him dramatically.

"And you're hard….."

Kotori yanked Kamui a little away from her "Forget about that Kamui! We're finally together aren't we? And we love each other so much! Come Kamui, let us not waste these precious moments let's do something about our great love for each other!"

That did the trick. Kamui stared amazed and hope filled _up_ into Kotori's eyes "D….do something about it?" his nose started bleeding.

This time Subaru, who knew nothing of what was happening outside, doubled over with pain.

"Yes Kamui!" Kotori yelled, flinging the effeminate boy over her shoulder like loot and began walking back into the HR(E)B house "Let's do something about our love right now!"

"Oh Kotori" Kamui was in tears "I'm so happy you came back, I missed you so much!" he scanned the girl carrying him into the house now, almost entering it now.

"I missed your….strangely broad shoulders….your suddenly muscular back…..your long soft ….AAAAAAAAAH!" Kamui's hand was shaking as he suddenly noticed that Kotori's long flowing soft hair was detached from her scalp and dangling in his hand.

"It's a wig!" he screamed in panic. He looked back at the ginning Fuma carrying him "You're not really Kotori! Oh my god!"

"Too late darling uke!" Fuma laughed as he quickly climbed the stairs to his room, entering it and locking the door behind him firmly.

"**HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!**"

The Union members heard Kamui's cry of help and rushed to his help; Kazuhiko using his arm's canon mode to blow the wall off of Fuma's room and Subaru leaping to quickly kidnap the already shirtless Kamui far from harm's way.

Back in safety, Kamui was still trembling from the heavy trauma.

Sai took a long look at him as she brought him one of her big butch shirt to replace his lost one "That's one nasty love bite you've got there" she commented about the round purple mark on Kamui's neck.

Kamui whimpered in return "He….he was touching me like that….but I'm a man….and he's a man….it's so wrong….."

"Are you absolutely sure you're a Clamp character Kamui?" Otaku wondered, remembering the lecture she heard from Fuma and Kurogane today.

Subaru was in tears "When he talks about how he's not gay…..it hurts…." He whimpered.

Freya neared him with a trademark Chi expression "Does it hurt, right here?" she asked placing her palms gently on her bosom where her heart should be.

"No" Subaru hissed in return "it hurt right here" he placed his palms between his legs….

* * *

A bit shaken from the explosion and the destruction of his room, Fuma climbed down to his house's living room "that guy blew up my room!"

"That's okay" Kakuyo smiled at him meaningfully "you can sleep in my room anytime you want"

"And so I shall" Fuma smiled just as cunningly. "but that guy sure is lethal!"

"Yeah and speaking of that guy" Tsubasa Seishiro broke into their conversation. He was standing by Bols' body, tapping his foot on the floor angrily "Bols is kind of starting to stink, can't we move him out already?"

The rest of the HR(E)B members stared at Bols unmoving figure.

"What….you mean he's _really _not Anderson?" Rikou said with much disappointment.

"No…he's not…he's dead" the Seishiro sighed.

"Damn….."

"Hey where's the other you, wimp?' Fuma looked puzzled around trying to find the ice cream loving Sakurazukamori.

"Working on my shot at abuse" came the man's voice from the dining room where he sat by the phone.

"Oooo, what are you going to use for your evil deed?" the quartet dashed over to Seishiro's side, curios.

"I'm going to use the media" Guardian of the Cherry Blossom Burial Mound leered, _removing_ his glasses before starting to dial an advertising company.

* * *

"Err….Sumeragi-san….." Syaoran sounded pretty embarrassed as he sat staring at the television in the Union's living room.

"What is it Syaoran?"

"I think you better come and see this….."

The television began playing the commercial Syaoran wanted Subaru to see again:

"_If there's something strange in your neighbourhood  
Who you gonna call?  
Onmyouji!  
If there's something weird and it don't look good  
Who you gonna call?  
Onmyouji!_

_Your house haunted by spirits? Frightened at night because there are strange noises around you? _

_Call an onmyouji to shoo them away!"_

Subaru stared at the television in shock "I…don't remember making a commercial for my clan's services…."

"_And now a special offer lasting only until Rainbow Bridge blows up:_

_Call one onmyouji and get ANOTHER ONE for free!_

"_Not only will they rid you of your poltergeists but they'll throw in an extra Yaoi show too!  
_

"_Simply pick up your phone and dial this number:"_

"Oh…..my….god!" Subaru was shaking, noting the Union house's private telephone number blinking on the screen in all six colours of the rainbow flag.

(ever wondered why it's called 'the _rainbow _flag'? or, on the other hand, why the bridge is called '_rainbow _bridge'….)

Immediately the phone began ringing madly, almost falling off it's table with the sheer might of so many calls crushing in at one time.

"DON'T PICK UP THE PHONE!" Subaru hollered to anyone in his vicinity "I REPEAT, DO **NOT** PICK UP THE PHONE"

"Sumeragi-san" Sai called out from the kitchen "your mobile is ringing"

"Oh my god! They didn't advertise my mobile number as well did they!" he was truly in a state of panic.

"Mushi mushi?" Sai answered the incoming mobile call "….no, I'm not Subaru I'm……I'm fine lady but I'm not Su…..my….my sister's seventh memorial ceremony?…in Kyoto? No I'm not going to come because I'm not Sub……still looking for the Sakurazukamori!"

Subaru walked up to Sai "Here, hand it over to me" he took the little cellular from her.

"Man who is that?"

"My grandmother…ignore what she mumbled to you, that's how she starts every time she's talking on the phone to somebody "Hello grandmother…..no it's really Subaru this time…..no it's not Sorata and you couldn't have heard about _me_ from Old Man Stargazer…..I'm not a boy grandmother, and I'm on a strike so I don't have to suffer once more….."

He gestured for Sai that his grandmother is yapping away in his ear "You've started the real conversation grandmother? Good. No I didn't start that commercial….

"GOD DAMN IT DON'T ANSWER THE PHONE!" he hollered, foaming at the mouth, to Freya who was reaching out to the madly ringing house phone "Yes grandmother….yes I am about to have a mental breakdown….." Subaru crumbled to the ground into a sobbing heap.

"Subaru-kuuuun!" Came X and TB's Seishiro's happy call "Come on we've got a show….I mean a case to work on in half an hour! We need to get there in time"

Subaru shot to his feet and out of the house glaring at his opposite star "You…..you…..you!" he huffed and puffed, his eyes almost popping out of their skulls with anger "You're the one who made that advertisement, didn't you?"

Seishiro rolled his eyes and plastered the kindest, fakest smile ever "Maaaaaaybe…come on now Subaru-kun or we'll be late and anger our costumer, don't you love being dedicated to your work and always strived to do your best?"

"NEVER!" Subaru roared and ran back to the house, yanked the phone out of it's socket shouting at Kazuhiko to blow it up.

Once the little burning plastic pieces and electric wires settled down like a layer of snow around the seething Subaru he began speaking again, his voice wavering, his eyes shooting over the faces of his Union comrades, his tone crazed.

"We're not going to keep taking this sht from them" he growled "we're going to sit and think about a way to avenge their foul deeds!"

The others observed their leader in his halo of purpose and gasped in awe.

Revenge they shall then!

(tbc)

"Just one fing second!" Imonoyama Nakuro limped into the ending scene, supporting his bandaged body on his crutches.

The Union stared at him in shock.

Sai stepped forward to better glance the young man "That's one nasty love bite you've got there" she commented.

"Imonoyama-sama, who did this to you?" Kamui called out in alarm, worried at the sight of the wounded blond.

"Which one of you told Souh to go and learn BDSM at the HR(E)B!" the kaicho glared fire at the Union.

The Union took a step backwards in fear, Sai pushing Kudo forward as he tried to hide himself behind her.

Nokuro limped towards Kudo and glared at him "I'd unleash my bodyguard on you if it wouldn't mean I'd suffer more because he'll probably target me instead and start doing all those….those….." the blond began quaking, tears in his eyes.

"Aw, here Imonoyama-sama, take a seat, it must be tiring to hold yourself with these crutches for so long" Kamui pushed a chair at the crying youth.

"I can't…." Nokuro whimpered "I can't sit down properly yet"

he whipped his head back to glaring at Kudo "You better keep this union going kid, keep it going until your life will end because I swear to god, you are going to suffer the moment you get back to normal life!"

Kudo bravely waited for the limping blond to leave before he gave off a long "EEEEEP!" of a whimper and fainted

(tbc)

* * *

**Next Time on the Abused Clamp Characters Union: **Revenge! 


	5. Revenge

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Clamp's character.

**Author's thanks: **to my muse…..whatever it/she/he is for finally cooperating (grumbles). Wind Wanderer (yes! This IS Yaoi infested! Buhahahah! And more of it in this chapter as well!). Mel-Chan-Of-Doom I apologise for the besmirching of the Seme name but…..that's how things are in Clamp, blame them not me . Kitten of Destruction, thank you!. Whitesakura my dear, my darling (hug). Wchan39 thank you! I bet no one recognized the song Tree-san was singing but never mind, that's how things are in my sick, sad little brain. Morithil thank you!

**Warnings: **EEEEEEEEEEVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIL! Oh and some bad language.

**Author's notes: **I love my newly burnt mixture of Cowboy Bebop, Chobits, Fruits Basket, X, Hellsing and Gravitation soundtracks….i love it so much…..

Oh and Happy Passover and Mimuna for any of you who were celebrating!

* * *

**Chapter 5 - Revenge **

After a whole night of plotting, giving up, cheering each other up, plotting again, giving up again and so on, the Union members had little patience to interview new members.

It was only out of sheer luck that the next candidate was definitely a future Union member and they had very little to ask her about.

Carried on a small throne looking awfully like her tea house at the basement of the Diet building, Hinoto was brought before the Union member's row of interviewing tables.

Looking awfully exhausted and slightly irritated, Hien and Sohi placed the throne down and stepped ceremoniously backwards to allow their mistress free conversation with the Union.

"Ah! Hinoto-sama" Kamui noted through the heavy veil of sleep deprived blur before his eyes "welcome to the Union" he managed to mumble before his head dropped to the table with a painful sounding bang.

"So….so I'm in?" the deaf, dumb and blind dreamgazer noted, tapping merrily on her pinball machine (bet you no one understood that little tribute!).

"Yes, I mean, no" Subaru managed to shake enough sleep off of him to realise the impending horror.

"No!" Hinoto frowned.

"You see Hinoto….we'd love to have you around but….." the onmyouji moved around uncomfortably "There's a small problem"

"Problem?"

"Ah! _That_ problem……" Kamui snapped his head back to reality and coherence "yes….quite a problem indeed"

"_What_ problem!" the dreamgazer folded her hands on her chest, irritated.

"You're….umm….schizophrenic….and the other you is….kinda…." Subaru was darting begging glances at Kamui for his comrade to help him.

"The other you wants to kill us all and, you see, we kinda want to live"

Hinoto blinked a few times.

"Wait a minute comrades" Chun Hyang bent over her table to catch Subaru and Kamui's eyes "are you going to abandon this poor comrade!"

"No, not at all, in fact you're quite welcomed to join us and there's no doubt that you _are_ an abused Clamp character but before we put you in here we need to take care of that murderous side of yours"

The rest of the Union members agreed, nodding their heads and mumbling silently.

Kakyou woke up (!), took a sleepy look at Hinoto, pointed his finger at her and began laughing mockingly.

The Union stared at him in shock.

Kakyou laughed on.

Hinoto glared.

"Knock it off dude" Kudo tried stopping the effeminate dreamgazer with little success.

"What are you mocking her about for anyway!" Kazuhiko tried placing the fragile pointing hand away and found that Kakyou was surprisingly strong.

"I got here for free, bitch"

"Hey, hey now Kakyou, there's no need to be like that, remember this fic is rated PG-13….I mean…uh….what was it again!" Miyuki took a look at new rating list "T!...K….oh fuck it"

"Miyuki!" Utako called out "now Kakyou-san, why would you say such things to her?"

"She called me ugly!" the dreamgazer shot back.

"You called me fat!" Hinoto charged back, her fragile little babyish hands trembling.

"You pulled my hair!"

"You scratched me!"

"Enough!" Syaoran called out, slamming his palm on the table, glaring at the bickering two.

"Yeah, if you keep teasing her she'll flip into her Black mode and you know what happens then" Kamui giggled.

Subaru shot his DoH leader a reprimanding glare "Enough of that!" he called out, scanning the faces in the room with a glare until everyone went silent. "May I remind you that we have greater enemies out there and that we did not yet devise a plan as to how we will deal with them; this is not the time to bicker amongst ourselves"

He scanned the faces around him until they were all truly listening and shameful of their silly behaviour. Subaru sat down.

"Now Hinoto-sama, before you can join us we must ask you to go see a psychologist who will give you the right medication to deal with your…eh….problem…" he shot a fiery glare at Kakyou who snickered "and only until you will be completely clear of any murderous other selves will we allow you to live with us. Until then the risk is too high"

"What!" Sohi stepped forward, Hien copying her actions "you mean we now have to carry her around the city in this ridiculous throne, all the way to a psychiatrist!"

"We thought we'll only have to bring her here and you'll baby-sit her from now on" Hien chimed in.

"Sohi, Hien" Hinoto called out "how dare you!"

"No, how dare you!" Sohi pointed viciously at Subaru "telling us to keep carrying her around, do you know how heavy she is!"

"Do you think sitting around all day and hardly moving besides bowing from time to time makes you lose weight!" Hien joined in.

Kakyou fell into a fit of giggles on the floor "Told you you was a fat ho……ho"

Subaru took a long deep breath and stood up "Get out, take her to a psychiatrist, come back, then dump her here again, alright?"

There was no room for argument or talk backing in his tone.

Miserable, Sohi and Hien grabbed the throne once more and heaved Hinoto away, receiving heavy, stinging and quite personal verbal abuse from their mistress.

As he sat back down to rest Subaru noted the rest of his comrades have fallen asleep on the table, exhausted from the day before of abuse and the night before of plotting to revenge said abuse.

He shrugged, noting the bare table looked suddenly enticing and awfully comfortable to sleep on. He folded his arms on the table and, leaning his head on his arms, fell into sleep like a heavy rock in water.

The Union members were woken up sharply at the sound of an awful, heat tearing, and inhuman scream of terror emerging from the house next door, the House of the Rising (Evil) Bishie.

In panic, they began counting their members to make sure no one was snatched away to that house of torture while they slept.

"Subaru…."

"They might have caught you!"

"I'm right here Subaru……"

"They might have hurt you!"

"I'm fine and healthy Subaru…."

"You might be suffering internal injuries you have yet to recognise but will prove fatal later!"

"I don't think I can sustain any internal injuries where your hands are, Subaru, and if I did I'd know about it by now, as you know, that place is quite sensitive to any kind of touch…."

"But…..but……"

"**STOP GORPING ME SUBARU! NOW!**"

The light onmyouji did as he was ordered to, hanging his head in shame.

Kamui was swearing under his breath, mumbling something about how Subaru was learning the wrong things from Fuma and why on earth was he learning _anything_ from Fuma in the first place!

"Hey guys, check this out, you won't believe it!" Freya was standing at the window the two neighbouring houses shared, looking into the rivalling house.

Kazuhiko joined her at the window, his ever strategic army-thinking mind immediately launched into analysing the view before him for the best of the Union.

The Brat Quartet was on the floor, twitching and moaning in horrid pain, clutching their heads as if attempting to crack them open. They were rolling on the floor like big black and evil caterpillars.

Noting the Tsubasa Seishiro walking into the room followed by his double, Kazuhiko grabbed Freya and lowered them both away from the two evil semi-twins' view. From this spot, he explained to the persocom, they would be able to listen to the two's conversation and discover what it is that caused the Brats so much agony. When they will discover that, they will have a weapon in their hands with which to avenge the abuse they suffered from that house.

* * *

It all began when Fuma sat down on the living room couch to read a book, yes, read a book.

"Yo man, WTF man?" Rikou walked over to his fellow brat, followed by Kurogane and Kakuyo.

Fuma raised his evil eyes from the book to the other brats "What?"

"Why are you reading a _book_ man, that's so un-bratty"

"Ah, but it's not just any book" Fuma's evil grin spear, letting them see the book's title "this is 'How to Become a Successful Business Man' by Kazunori Honma"

The other brats blinked, stunned.

"And it even comes with a free first corn cob!" Fuma chirped, waving the sinister corn cob.

Kakuyo shuddered "I am _SO_ not sharing a shower with you anymore!"

"awwww" Fuma slumped "you're no fun anymore!"

"Never mind that man" Kurogane shook the shock off "you're still un-bratty when reading a book." he cracked a beer can open "We brats laze in front of the TV all day and do nothing, we definitely don't read a book man!"

And with that he switched the television on and slumped on the sofa besides Fuma, keeping a safe distance from the corn cob.

Switching on the television proved as a _very_ bad thing to do. For it was daytime, early daytime, and the television was screening children's shows.

The show they turned on was Clamp's own Sweet Valerian, filled with cute little bunnies that fight anger and anxiety in a cute fluffy way like only someone as twisted and perverted and cute loving can produce.

The brats took one look at the sugar coated sweetness and produced that awful scream of horror the Union members heard. They were on the floor in immense pain a moment afterwards.

The scene Kazuhiko and Freya eavesdropped followed soon after.

"What! What happened to them!" the Tsubasa Seishiro called out, alarmed at the sight of his fellows in pain.

"Look at the television" X and TB Seishiro said, averting his eyes to avoid the same pain.

The other Seishiro looked at the television, unharmed and blinked "Awwwww, they're so cute these little furry bunnies!"

The evil Seishiro turned a hateful glare at his shame bringing doppelganger "You think they're _cute_!"

"Yeah! I mean look at them! They're bunnies, and so sweet with their little pink noses! Awww, their noses are so pink!"

"Do you know why they're so pink, Seishiro-kun?"

Tsubasa Seishiro turned big innocent eyes to his fellow Seishiro "No…why?"

"They once were white, white as snow, but then….their _heart_ pumped _blood_ through their veins and they became pink!"

The kind Seishiro's eyes shoujo-twitched, tears forming in his eyes "But….but….isn't the heart behind their noses in pain?"

"Fu fu fu, you're so kind, Seishiro-kun…..WHIIIIIIIIMP!" and following that, the evil Seishiro smacked his double's neck and stormed off, muttering something about kicking this shaming of his name out of this house.

Insulted, the other Seishiro walked to the television and turned it off. Helping the other brats back to their feet and to a healthy nice cup of relaxing tea, he walked up to his room to cry into his pillow because the other him is evil and nasty to him.

* * *

"We have discovered a weak point!" Kazuhiko exclaimed as soon as he finished trench-crawling away from the window most combat like.

"They hate cute things, can't stand them" Freya completed her over enthusiastic comrade's words.

"A-ha!" Subaru called out, now fully awake at this impending ability to avenge the abuse he and his comrades sustained so far "so we'll go out and find something so cute they cannot withstand it!

And so they sat and plotted, running a few calls whenever the right idea came to mind.

They had devised the following plan:

They will hang a huge screen on the side of their house facing the HR(E)B's house and show pictures of adorable, sweet things until the brats and other evil biehsies will have no choice but to evacuate.

The source of these pictures, they devised, will be none other then X's own unbearable sweetness; Nekoi Yuzuriha and her puppy-mode Inuki.

Yuzuriha leaped into the room merrily fifteen minutes after they called her over.

"Nekoi Yuzuriha here at your service!" she shrilled, breaking a few glasses, windows and definitely the nerves of some Union members with slightly bigger-then-average angst lobes.

"Great, now, Yuzuriha-chan, please come here" Subaru motioned the inugami mistress towards a wall they draped with a white fabric and cornered with fashion shoots equipment.

"Ooo! What's this? Are you going to take my picture?" Yuzuriha bounced on the balls of her feet towards the picture shooting spot.

"Yes Yuzuriha-chan, we're going to take your picture and…."

"Oh, oh, oh, oh, that's okay, I know what to do!" she chirped back, cutting through Kamui's directions.

"You….you do!"

"Yeah sure! I've done this a lot for Kusanagi-san!" and with that she began taking all sorts of positions which mostly led to great parts of her underwear exposed under her skirt, her childish appearance moving from mere shoujo to outright shota, and mostly tearing the lollipop in her hand from 'sweets' to the same category as Fuma's corn cob.

Inuki waited patiently for his mistress to finish, obviously used to such things.

The Union members took half an hour to recover the shock, nausea and terror.

They kindly excused Yuzuriha and retired to their bedrooms to recover and get some sleep.

* * *

The next day the Union put on the screen, the projector and various security equipment Kazuhiko provided to keep the two things from being demolished by the HR(E)B members.

Instead of Yuzuriha they screened pictures and bits of movies from Seiichiro Aoki's wedding which proved to be just as fatal and annoyingly sweet.

In return, the HR(E)B shut all their windows and seized to walk out to their back yard. Which was a shame because they began developing cabin fever and bickered to no end, lashing out at the Union's house next door with abuse ten folds worse.

* * *

A random man was happily taking a morning walk on the sidewalk before the two houses when suddenly a Rikou leaped into his view.

"Congratulations sir!" the evil bishie screamed, waving his hands happily "You are the five hundred person to have walked that particular part of the sidewalk!"

"What!"

"And for that you get a prize!"

"A prize you said?" the man began sounding a little less suspicious now.

"Yes! This very beautiful and brand new shinken!" Rikou handed the man the huge shiny and very Jewish sword, placing it ceremoniously in the man's hand.

"Wow! Gees, thanks!" the man smiled and began walking away, thinking to himself that he has no idea what he'll do with this huge thing but it'll definitely help attracting the girls.

Rickou left soon afterwards.

"Hold it!" Fuma walked into his view now, looking quite irritated.

"What!" the man shuddered, protecting his shinken.

"That is _my_ shinken you have there!"

"N…no it's not….I just won it!"

"But it's mine!" Fuma took a few threatening steps towards the man, glaring at him.

"But I just won it" the man whimpered miserably, knowing he's going to lose the fight.

"now now gentleman, no need to argue" X and TB Seishiro walked into the little quarrel, placing his hands friendly on their shoulders "there is a simple solution to this"

"there is?" the two asked him, doubtfully.

"Yes, for you know very well that there are two shinkens Fuma"

"Oh…right…."

The man darted his eyes suspiciously from one evil bishie to the other.

"And you can have this, I mean, your shinken if you'll only bring this man the other shinken and both of you will be happy"

"Hmmm" Fuma contemplated "very well, bring me this shinken and I'll go get you the other one" he reached his palm to the man.

The man pulled his shinken away violently "Not so fast! How do I know you're not just going to run off with my shinken!"

"Ah….a problem…" Seishiro rubbed his chin thoughtfully "But I have a solution! Why won't you, Fuma-kun, leave this man with a deposit while you'll go get the other shinken and when you'll return you'll have it back"

the man seemed to be pleased with this offer and so, with much murmuring, Fuma left him with his super cool John Lennon glasses (Super Cool John Lennon Glasses number 15, the other 14 were broken by Kamui on various occasions) and was off on his way.

"Wait just a second there Fuma-kun! I believe this isn't quite enough of a deposit"

"Eh!"

"The frog too"

Fuma glared fire and sulphur at Seishiro….but handed the Holy Frog (Devil's Holy Messenger) to the man for deposit.

"And so" Seishiro turned to the man "I bid you adieu, I have business to attend to, have a nice day"

"Ah yes, thank you very much for helping me with this!" the man waved him goodbye.

"AAAAAAAAAAA! LEAVE IT ALONE FUMA! IT'S _MY_ SHINKEN, LEAVE IT **ALONE!**"

"Here you go sir, your shinken" Fuma handed the Kamui-covered shinken to the man with a kind smile, cashing back his Super Cool John Lennon Glasses and Satan's Holy Messenger Mister Frog-san.

"Uh…..mister….."

"Yes?" with an innocent stare, Fuma turned back to the man gently holding the shinken and Kamui on it by the tip "is there a problem sir?"

"Uh….yeah there is…..you see….there's an uke attached to my shinken…."

"I AM NOT AN UKE! RELEASE THE SHINKEN, IT'S MINE!"

"Ah, I see. You have a wish sir!"

"….I do…!"

"Yes, to remove this uke from your shinken"

"Yeah well….that's kind of obvi…"

"I will now grant your wish, as I will later on grant the earth's wish!"

"Eh!"

"Oh, ignore that, it's just an attack line like Team Rocket's or Sailor Moon's, pay no attention"

"I see"

And with that Fuma began reaching over to Kamui, trying to tickle him in a most molesting fashion off the shinken.

"NOOOOOO! I WILL NO LET GO OF THE SHINKEN, IT'S MINE! Eep! Not there!" and with that Kamui was relieved of the shinken, grabbed and hauled across Fuma's shoulder.

Fuma, with a victorious smile, began heading over to the HR(E)B house.

"LET GO OF ME FUMA! IT WAS MY SHINKEN! LET…." Kamui's mobile phone rang "Hello….ah, Imonoyama-sama…._what do you mean status report on the shinken's security!_ **IT'S F---ING STOLEN HAVEN'T YOU NOTICED YOU BLOND DIMWIT!**...it's not!...it's well kept in the Heart of the Devine Protection!...I see…..I see…..yes, I apologise for what I said before….yes….thank you….goodbye"

Kamui shut his cell phone and glared at Fuma "It was _your_ shinken, wasn't it…."

"What! Nonsense, if it was my shinken why would you so lovingly attach it to yourself?"

"Because you waved it at me and said 'Looky here Kamui, I've got your shinken! Come and get me'"

"Oh, that….well….too late"

* * *

Half an hour and half a corn cob later Kamui was once again rescued from the evil clutches of his twin star using Kazuhiko's firearms.

When he returned, somewhat limping and refusing at all costs to sit down, Kamui was seething "We are going to make them beg for mercy" he growled, his eyes on fire.

"Yes, but how!" Miyuki whimpered.

"We are going to send in something so sweet and cute and unbearable they will run away and never come back….any of you know of such a thing?"

The Union thought long and hard.

"I think…." Syaoran mumbled to himself "I mean I _know_ that Kurogane hates Mokona with all his might and that Mokona is indeed quite a pain to something evil like those demons"

"Um….by 'Mokona' do you mean a round white fluff ball with rabbit ears and a big pink gem on the forehead?" Utako asked, fearful.

"Yes, why?"

"They used both the white one and the black one as target practice last week….so sorry…." She winced.

"Aw rats…." Syaroan propped down into a chair with defeat.

Kamui looked at the youth with envy at his ability to do that right now.

"Wait!" Syaoran leaped off his chair almost immediately "I know someone else who can squeeze that behaviour from Kurogane!"

* * *

"Rikou! Go clean your room!"

"_What!_"

"It's a pigsty! Go clean your room, NOW!"

"Hell no!"

"Damn it Seishiro, why on earth are you behaving like our mother!" Kakuyo slammed his beer can on the living room table.

Tsubasa Seishiro burst into rage, shooting to the living room table with a small placement "And how many time have I told you, Kakuyo, to not place your cans on the table without a placement! You're going to discolour the table's wood!"

"That's it!" Fuma snapped "You don't do anything evil, you always bitch about us like a mother hen, you are a pain in the corn-hole and you're not doing anything to compensate for it!"

"Yes!" TB and X Seishiro chimed in "And you bring shame to anything evil I've ever done in my life!"

"That's right! Tsubasa Seishiro, you are hereby kicked out of the HR(E)B! Go upstairs, pick up your whimpy little bags and leave this house immediately!"

sneering and whimpering a little, the kind Seishiro turned around, barking a whiny little "Fine!" at them and shot up to his room to pack his bags.

"Good riddance!" Kurogan spat after him.

That's when the doorbell rang.

"I'll go get it" Fuma walked to the door and opened it, looking down most pleased at Fai D. Flowright at the door "Well, how you doin'?" he smirked.

"I'm doing fiiiiiine!" Fai chirped, waving out his little drum and drumsticks he got from the bunny rabbit people in the land right after Outo Country.

He shot forward, doing a cute little happy dance, beating his drum and chirping merrily to the tune he was playing.

Immediately Kurogane released a shrill of sheer agony and shot under the kitchen table, reduced to a mumbling heap of horror.

"Hey Kuro man, what's up with that? It's just a harmless little cute uke, ne?" Fuma walked back into the house, trying to grab Fai's attention.

But Fai was too busy dancing in circles around Kakuyo who began caving in to the sheer niceness and happiness the blond was emitting.

"What…what are you doing!" the son of the devil mumbled, cold sweat covering his body.

"I'm doing the little dance I learn from the rabbit people, isn't it cute?"

"It…..it……it……." Kakuyo was trembling violently by now "IT IS! AAAAAAAA!" he dashed away to join Kurogane in his little shelter.

Next Fai spotted the TB and X Seishiro, standing with a burning cigarette at the entrance to the living room.

"Aw, but you know that smoking is bad for you!"

Before Seishiro could do anything about it, Fai ripped the cigarette out of his hand, pick pocketed him for the rest of the carton and leaped over to the toilet, where he flushed it all down.

"**NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE, YOU BLOND IDIOT!**" Seishiro heard himself scream.

"Dude, Seishiro…." Fuma had no one left to talk to; Seishiro bolted to the nearest kiosk to buy new cigarettes.

The evil bishie now darted his eyes to the last survivor of his posse; Rikou, who began trembling as Fai neared him, doing his cute little dance.

"Rikou man, Rikou, get yourself together man!" Fuma grabbed his brother in evil by the shoulders, shaking him a little as the evil teen took note of Fai slowly drawing nearer and nearer to Fuma from behind.

"It's just an uke! You shouldn't go hide from him under the kitchen table; you should (censured) him under the kitchen table! Rik….."

Fuma stopped talking as he felt the light weight of a small, green, frog shaped doll on his scalp. Trembling (with anger), he turned to Fai who was beaming a huge smile at him.

"Awww, you look so cute and silly!"

"THAT'S IT! NO ONE, I MEAN **NO ONE **touches my frog!"

A small chase began in the living room with Fuma in mad pursuit, shedding more and more of his sanity as he goes, and Fai shrilling merrily and ducking every of Fuma's attempts to grab him and put an end to his cute and happy life.

The chase ended with Fuma a dribbling miserable heap under the kitchen table around which Fai now began to circle, beating his drum and doing his cute little dance.

To this strange scene Tsubasa Seishiro walked down, carrying his suitcases as he descended the staircase. "Fai-san" he mumbled, surprised.

"Seishiro-san!" Fai chirped, shooting over to the staircase while doing his dance.

Seishiro remained unharmed.

Fai beamed his huge smile.

Seishiro beamed his flat, fake, other world version of the trademark 'kind veterinarian' smile.

Fai beamed on.

Seishiro's hidden evil smirk widened.

Fai smiled on.

"You know what happened last time we played the smiling game" Seishiro purred.

Fai was out of the house two nano-seconds afterwards.

He brushed past TB and X's Seishiro as the man walked in with his beloved new carton of Mild 7, which he neurotically hid from Fai as the blond ran away past him, screaming.

The Brat Quartet climbed from under the table, staring at Tsubasa Seishiro with awe.

"You….you made him go away!" Rikou called out.

"You saved us!" Kurogane whimpered.

"Hmmm, yes, it seemed I did…." Seishiro pretended to be careless "Oh well, I'll be on my way now, you kicked me out remember?" he walked down a few more steps before the four brats blocked his way.

"You can't leave!" they screamed together "You have to stay here and protect us from that blond demon! Please!"

Smirking triumphantly, Tsubasa Seishiro took his handbags once more and began climbing the stairs back to his room "Very well boys, now go clean your rooms!"

"Sir, yes sir!" they rushed past him like a hurricane.

Seishiro sniggered.

"Hey, Seishiro" came his voice from down in the living room.

It was the TB and X Seishiro, looking up at him with the mask of pride and happiness "That was very well done"

Tsubasa Seishiro returned him a look of fake happiness "Thank you"

"I'm proud of you"

"Thank you"

They then launched the Super Evil Seishiro Creatures version of a high five; they smiled the trademark kind smile at each other.

……

the ground shook under their feet, cracks in the very surface of the earth opened, bursting out with showers of lava, devouring the two houses along with some other buildings in the neighbourhood:

Those two were simply too evil to be tolerated by the planet.

The Union members, along with the HR(E)B members, who managed to escape their houses before it tumbled down onto them could only stand at a safe distance and stare in terror at the two Seishiro standing each on the cliff edge of the opened crack in the earth's crust, still smiling at each other as all hell broke loose around them.

(tbc)

* * *

**Next Time on Abused Clamp Characters Union: **what will the Union members do now that they haven't a headquarters to hide and operate from! 


	6. Face to Face

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Clamp's character.

**Author's thanks: **go to wchan39 (yes it got deleted with the rest of my stuff but I'M BACK BABY! Thank you for the review ), to Evil Rem (is that a Trigun reference? XD) for fav.ing this fic and to the 346 people who read the fic as it was re-published.

**Author's notes: **this is the end people, no more ACCU for you for the story's reached it's end. I had a bit of a muse crisis with this one but I climbed out of it thanks to the wonders of my freaky mind and the local children's channel for playing Inu Yasha (you'll see why soon, don't worry). So there. I hoped you liked the fic and that the rest of my stuff will be just as good, if it is good at all.

**Warnings: **dirty language and….Clamp.

* * *

**Chapter 6 – Face to Face**

It was gone. All gone.

The Union members scanned the smoking ruins of their headquarters and hideout. The HTR(E)B members ran frantic fingers through their spiky badass hairstyles, trying to comprehend what had happened.

"OI! Get off of there you idiots!" Fuma screamed at the two Seishiros "Look at what you've done! Our house is gone now!"

"The fridge" Rikou mourned "it's cut off from electricity"

"…..Our beers…..our beloved beers" Kurogane whimpered in.

"They'll heat up" Kakuyo burst into tears.

"Ah, stop blobbing like a little girl already" Fuma screamed at the three, still eyeing the now descending Seishiros.

Tsubasa Seishiro walked down from his cliff edge and scanned the damage through "My god….I didn't know our powers were so mighty"

"Bah! Of course they're mighty, we're only evil incarnated you know" his doppelganger straightened his tie proudly.

"Now that I think about it…..I feel guilty"

The evil bishies shot their eyes to the recoiling Seishiro.

"You what?" TB and X Seishiro growled.

"I…." he walked up to the Union members who immediately hobbled together and hissed at him "I'm sorry guys; I didn't mean to ruin your house. I'm really, really, very sorry" the Seishiro bowed.

The Union remained silent for a while as the HTR(E)B members glared fire into the Seishiro's back.

"Ah that's okay Seishiro-san" Syaoran finally stepped forward with a kind warm smile "we knew all along that you're not that evil really"

"Don't…..call…..him….Seishiro-san…..only _I_…..call….him….Seishiro-san" came a chilling hiss from behind the one eyed dimension traveler.

Syaoran turned around to face an enraged Sumeragi "But….he's not your Seishiro-san, he's my Seishiro-san"

The next moment his neck was grabbed by two powerful palms, both carrying glowing pentacles on their back "_Seishiro-san…..is……**MINE**….._"

"Yes ….umm…..but you see….."

"_He's mine! All mine; he's my Seishiro-san, he's my preciousssssss_"

"O-kay then, yours, all yours and no one else's, got it" Syaoran patted the hand away from his neck and, shuddering, turned away from Subaru.

"I admire you Sakurazuka-san, I really do" Kakuyo patted the TB/X Seishiro "the way you got your uke so housetrained is amazing"

"I can teach you how to do it if you want" the (still evil, always evil) Seishiro smirked "if you have a notepad here I'll jot you down a small list of 'do's and 'don't's"

Kakuyo's eyes grew twice their size, the disease known as Shojou Parkinson making his eyes twitch uncontrollably "You'd…..you'd do that for me?" he whimpered.

"Yes I will. If you'll let me demonstrate some of my methods on you"

"Yes sir! Anything you want sir!" the devil's son collapsed to his knees before the assassin and began bowing traditionally "Please take me in as a humble student and forgive me for being so ignorant and clumsy. Please be kind and teach me the wonders of true seme-ness….sensei"

Seishiro's smirk grew. "Very well then, I will take you on as a student. Now go and punch a hole through a thick wooden plank while I sit on it and cackle and wave my beard backwards condescendingly at you"

"Uh…sensei….you don't have a beard"

"Shut up, insolent fool! If you'll keep being rude to me I'll poke your eye out! And don't think I'll be stupid enough to eat anything you'll cook for me after that"

"Yes sensei, right away sensei" Kakuyo scurried off to find a wooden plank to try and punch his fist into.

* * *

Still standing before the ruins of their house, the Union members slowly began gathering their wits back and tried to plot something new.

"Fine then" Subaru spoke first "if this house is ruined then we'll just have to find a new house! A house that will be our new headquarters, and we will live and hide in it just as we did with this house"

"Comrade Sumeragi is resilient as ever" Chun Hyan chirped before turning to the gathering Clamp characters already lining up to be interviewed to the Union.

"My fellow brothers to abuse! The Union has been facing problems as of late, but fear not! For we lick our wounds and soon we will heal! We shall have the Union up and running again in no time!"

The happy cheers and "Go you guys!" shouts from the waiting characters deafened the little girl and she returned happy and smiling to her Union members.

They were all crouched over a table Kazuhiko pulled out of the rubble that was once their home.

Freya walked to the nearby kiosk and brought them all the day's paper and now laid it on the table.

"Now all we have to do" Kamui opened the first page "is to find the real estate for sale and rent section and we'll have a house in no time!"

The Union cheered around him.

Kamui checked the table of contents on the first page o and, having found what he needed began flipping through the paper in search of pages 13 to 25.

He found page 13.

It was empty.

So was page 14.

And so was page 15.

So were all the pages until 26.

All empty.

"What the….." a horrid chill went through Kamui's spine. The same chill went through Subaru's body. It reminded them of the note they found on Subaru's elevator door after Aoki disappeared down its shaft.

"Maybe there are no flats and houses on sale today" Miyuki offered, trying to cheer everybody up.

"Miyuki-chan" Utako sighed "the people in the paper wouldn't waste twelve pages; they'd either make the paper shorter or publish something else instead of these blanks"

Miyuki mouthed a bit, then stopped and stayed silent.

"Who could have done this?" Kazahaya scanned his comrades' faces, trying to make sense of things "who could have erased all the ads from the real estate section.

"Aw, what's wrong little rebels?" a sweet feminine voice called out before them suddenly.

"Can't find a new hideout?" a second feminine voice chimed in.

"I wonder why" a third voice cackled.

"Because it's a real weird thing, to have twelve pages suddenly emptied of all the ads in them" a fourth voice said.

The Union members, the Evil bishies, the characters in the long line to the interviews, all raised their eyes to meet their creators.

Standing before them on a great big hovering platform the shape of the white and black mokona, with a pink heart in the middle and a set of huge white wings at it's sides, the four devils stood overlooking their creatures.

"It makes sense their personal platform has wings" Kamui heard himself mumble "everything that has Clamp on it has wings, don't it"

"I'd say your little vacation is over" Ohkawa stepped forward, her small eyes glittering manically in the sunlight.

The characters shivered as a whole.

"**_You……_**" Subaru hissed, his own eyes beaming red now "you're the one who's _really_ responsible for all our woes, aren't you? You're the one writing the plots for everything!"

The characters began moving about angrily.

"You're the one who made our lives a living hell! It's you we should blame!"

"Oh yes?" the Clamp leader smirked back "What about Apapa-san and Nekoi-san? They're the ones who drew you the way they would, what about them?"

"Uh…..Ohkawa-san….." Nekoi tapped her colleague's shoulder "They seem to be ready for a lynch….so don't…uh….."

"Don't mention you guys have something to do with it as well?" her collogue snarled back.

"Uh…yeah, that's right" this time Apapa joined in the begging.

Ohkawa whipped her head back to the crowd underneath them "What about the two who drew you? Do you think Kamui's injuries from evil Fuma would be so bad if it weren't for Apapa-san? Do you think Kazahaya would look the way he does in his traditional Chinese dress if it weren't for Nekoi-san here?"

The cat calls and screams of anger grew louder, now carrying the other two's names too as fists were shaken in the air and promises of scorching bloody deaths were made.

"Well, at least I'm off the hook then" Igarashi mumbled behind her friend's back.

"Oh yeah?" Kamui screamed back "There is such a charge as sitting aside and watching it all happen without doing a thing to help us! Plus you've assisted them so you're in on it as well!"

"Oh….shit…."

"Hey girls" Rikou's voice rang high above the general mayhem "we're not complaining here"

Clamp looked down at their Evil Bishies.

"Yeah" Kurogane chimed in "we're not complaining at all, we think you're all right" he waved a 'V' sign at them.

"Accept for me dying" TB and X Seishiro said.

Clamp gulped.

"Oh….and….me stuck with the walking talking headache known as Fai D. Flowright" Kurogane snarled along.

"And me not getting laid in _through all these volumes_!" Fuma joined his evil friends.

"Bah!" Subaru barked at him "At least you're a virgin at eighteen, which is somewhat normal! I'm twenty five and I'm…."

"Still a virgin?" Fuma snickered into the sudden silence surrounding the Union and Subaru.

"Aw, he waited for me" the nefarious Seishiro sniggered.

"Actually, Sei-chan," Ohkawa cackled "there's no proof in existent that _you_ didn't save yourself for him as well"

Seishiro was dumbstruck, as well as the rest of the universe around him.

"Dude" Rikou whispered.

"You…..wouldn't…..dare…." the assassin huffed.

"We would if you as much as think a rebellious thought about us and the Rainbow Bridge incident again" Apapa joined Ohkawa's side.

"And that would be sad Seishiro-san" the Tsubasa Seishiro giggled "because you're it'd make you a virgin at thirty three"

The look the Tsubasa version got from his X twin was enough to melt his face off.

* * *

"So it's settled then" Ohkawa joined her fingers merrily "there's no more Union headquarters and you bitches' asses are back on the plot!"

"I don't think so!" Kamui screamed.

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah!"

"Why? What can you do against _us_, punk?"

Kamui became silent, a sneaky little smile playing on his lips.

Slowly, he began unbuttoning his shirt's first few buttons.

Then he brushed back the fabric to expose a piece of his perfect alabaster skin.

Clamp bit down on a fangirl squeal.

The ground shook under the crowd's feet.

"**_IS THAT AN EARTHQUAKE I FEEL!_**" The Human Genki Lump also known as Segawa Keiichi stormed into the scene.

"Quick Kamui! Get down!"

Rikou, Kurogane and even Kakuyo who returned from his training (he had a Hanzo sword now), had to grab Fuma hard and force him back from pouncing the blond teen.

Clamp drew their cameras and took as many pictures of Keiichi on top of Kamui before He Who Wields the Authority of God recovered and gently pushed the larger teen off of himself.

"Hey Shiro-kun, what are you doing digging around in my bag?" Keiichi looked down at the petite teen.

"That's my medication box there. I need what inside….what are you?"

Kamui plucked a single pill from the box and held it up before Clamp's eyes, his own demonic and vengeful.

"Oh my god….." Ohkawa gasped.

"He couldn't….." Apapa shuddered.

"He wouldn't dare….." Nekoi trembeled.

"To avenge us….he'll take Prozac!" igarashi mumbled.

Kamui swallowed the pill.

"Aw, but that's mine…." Keiichi frowned "oh well, it's a good thing my pills are a special super-strong mixture that could take down an angsty elephant just from smelling it and I just took mine so I have time to go back home and get me another one" he beamed his trademark smile.

The universe became silent, all eyes were on Kamui.

"Ha!" the youth stomped his feet "Now look who's in control over his own life! You wanted to put me down, to make me miserable and tiny and weak and angsty!

"But I fought back! I rebelled! I formed a union and I told you 'No Clamp! I will no longer be your little…..'"

The Union took a step back from him.

Kamui looked around, the words torn out of his mouth.

Suddenly the world changed for around his very eyes.

"Hey….you guys…." He turned to his comrades who took another fearful step away from him.

"I never noticed what a lovely weather we're experiencing today"

Subaru doubled over with nausea, speaking of his poor abused lobe.

"Look; the sun is shining, the sky is blue, the birds are chirping in the trees, the grass is green, the flowers are blooming…."

Kamui looked at his surroundings, a sweet little smile tugging at his sensuous lips. "I've never noticed how beautiful this world is really, you know? I never…….I…….I feel…….I feel….."

Ohkawa emitted a cry blood chilling and horrid enough to make a Nazgul king proud.

Kamui beamed a huge happy smile, closing his eyes genki-ly and sang "I feel prettyyy, oh so prettyyyyy, I feel pretty and witty and….."

Subaru's breath hitched.

Keiichi blinked, taking a step forward.

Fuma shook his restrainers off, tuning in on the boy completely

"And gaaaaaaaaay!"

"Yays! So am I!" Keiichi bounced on the balls of his feet merrily.

"He….he admitted it…." Subaru reeled "…I can't believe it……I might have a chance there…..I might finally be able to….."

Suddenly there were Seishiros on both his sides. The TB and X version he knew and loved for so long smirked down at him "Forget about that, we have an offer you cannot refuse"

Subaru looked to the other Seishiro who was not smirking just as evilly "What is it then?"

"A sandwich" the Tsubasa version said, bouncing his eyebrows meaningfully twice.

Subaru smiled (making Ohkawa emit another Black Riders scream) and fainted. Not before he said "Sounds lovely"

"I did it!" Fuma gasped "I finally did it! All these wasted months, days, house of brainwash and molestation…..finally paid off! I can't believe it! He's admitted he's gay!" five seconds later he was in a dead faint as well.

But Kamui heard none of it; he was off. Prancing around, skip-hopping, running, waving his hands in the air and 1999-leaping, he rampaged in circles around the crown.

"I'm happy! I'm happy! Happy, happy, happy, happy! Hear me world! **I AM HAPPY!**

"Mother, Tokiko-san, Kotori-chan, Saiki; I'm over you! I'm out of the dark cloud! I am **H-A-P-P-Y!**"

"Quickly Igarashi-san! There must be information of an antidote to Prozac on the internet" Ohkawa barked at her comrade "look for it! Now!"

"Yes mam!"

Kamui stopped, standing perfectly still as waves of wild giggles rocked his body violently. His big mauve eyes glittered madly as he scanned across the Union, the HTR(E)B, the long line of awaiting Clamp characters.

"It's all so funny! And I can laugh too!" he managed to mutter between one fit of giggles and the next.

He stormed off towards Miyuki, grabbing her skirt and hurling it upwards "Look Freya! I'm your sister; panties, panties! Tee hee!"

He shot towards Kurogane, waving his hands in the air "Kuro-chan, Kuro-tan, Kuro-woffy, Kuro-pip, Kuro-merry, Kuro-sam!"

Kamui's life were saved due to Fuma who held the ninja's mighty sword from slicing through the genki teen "Do _not_ hurt him" he growled into Kurogane's face.

"Kuro-pip, Kuro-fke, Kuro-Walter!"

"Make him stop then" Kurogane snarled back, veins popping all across his face.

"Kamui darling, come to papa now, stop pestering Kurogane" Fuma chirped at his twin star.

Kamui turned to Fuma, the mad smile beaming from him.

"I've got something good for you baby, won't you come to me?"

Kamui contemplated, then beamed at Fuma "Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaybe"

"Maybe?" Fuma blinked, shocked "_maybe_…..'maybe' means you might say yes…..oh my god……" he fainted again as Kamui giggled in the background.

Snapping his head towards the line of characters, another maddened smile on his face, Kamui charged.

He plastered two fluffy white ears atop Lord Yasha's head and pointed at the warrior "Look! Inu-Yasha! Get it? Get it?"

Kamui collapsed to the floor in a fit of giggles, kicking his legs in the air and hugging his stomach "Inu-Yasha! Inu-Yasha!"

Something zoomed through the air towards Kamui.

A small arrow lodges itself into the giggling (and now officially) uke's hip.

The crowd became silent again.

And so did Kamui. He lay limp, no longer kicking, no longer screaming, and no longer giggling. His eyes went dim, his face became blank and grey again.

"You bastards!" Subaru squirmed himself free from the two Seishiros "You bunch of rabid bitches! You ruined his joy! You killed it! **YOU BASTARDS!**"

"Hah!" Ohkawa turned to the rest of the crowd "Let that be a lesson to you all: resistance is futile!"

The characters became silent and glum, the air itself growing dark and heavy around them. Their spirits were broken, shattered and lost.

"Now" the leader of Clamp called out again "the Union members, along with the evil bishies, all of you get back to your plots right now! The mutiny is over, your mission is lost, your message lost. Go home!"

Grudgingly, mumbling and swearing under their breaths, the characters recoiled and retreated.

The Union began leaving to their homes when suddenly Kakyou (who was awakened when Kamui braided his hair into heart shapes) cried out "Hey you guys! There's an ad in the real estate section!"

Immediately the Union gathered around him. Even Kamui scraped himself off the floor and walked to the yumemie's side to peek at the paper over his shoulder.

Utako read out for them all "A cozy, comfy, sweet little cottage of five rooms along with a cute little pampered garden at Tokyo's in-the-center-but-not-noisy-or-commercial suburb, includes full _new_ furnishing, a new car, cables and air conditioning….oh my god….and the price is a _joke_!"

"That's our new headquarters!" Kazuhiko snatched the paper from her hands "I will now feed the house's coordinates into my…."

"Oh no you won't" Apapa threw a pencil at him, splintering his monocle "that house is not for you"

"Eh!" the Union uttered as one.

"We have decided that your mutiny will be allowed to happen but only on a much smaller scale" Ohkawa smiled down softly at them.

"You'd…..you'd do that!" Syaoran blinked in shock.

"That's….kind of nice you know…." Freya mumbled, trying to analyze the oxymoron.

"There's a catch, isn't there" Subaru hissed.

"Nope, at least not for you anyways" Ohkawa beamed "for you and your series' comrades are the ones allowed to keep the Union going"

"Eeeeeh!"

"You, Kamui, Fuma, Kakyou and Seishiro of X can rent this little dream-headquarters as long as you wish and have your little strike there"

The X characters blinked, baffled.

"Wait a minute!" Chun Hyan screamed "There are five rooms in the house and, considering the fact that the onmyoujis are going to share a room, that leaves an unused room! One of us will hide with them then!"

"No you won't because that room is preserved for Hinoto who's on her way back from her shrink as we speak" Nekoi smirked down evilly.

Chun Hyan refused to surrender "But wait! Kamui confessed his sexual references, so it makes sense that he and Fuma will share a room. Which means that a room is now left spare in the house! One of us can come and hide with….."

"Uh-uh little Chun-chan" Ohkawa wagged her finger at the girl "because we've just decided that Nataku is indeed an abused character of ours and so he will live with the Union from now on"

Chun Hyan burst into tears and admitted surrender. Sobbing and whimpering, she spoke of her shattered believes and how stock exchange seemed like a good idea all of a sudden and maybe there's a job at McDonalds she can occupy.

Following her, the rest of the Union and HTR(E)B members (save for the X characters) scattered each to their petty, miserable plot.

* * *

Standing at the threshold of their new headquarters, the X characters blinked away their amazement.

"This seems….." Kamui mumbled.

"A bit strange, doesn't it?" Subaru chimed in.

"I mean, why would they let us, of all the characters, strike on…?"

"And they allowed two evil bishies along with us…."

"And even added two new characters to our union….."

"There's something behind it, surely there is!"

"All we have to do is put our minds to it and find the nasty plot behind it!"

The two ukes exchanged happy looks of rebellion and regained strength.

"Ah" Fuma placed a sneaky arm around Kamui's waist "let's forget all about it"

Seishiro nodded, doing the same to Subaru.

"Why! Have you got anything better to do then to shake off the evil reins forcing us to suffer and angst?" Subaru hissed.

"Yes" his countering star smirked.

"Oh yeah? What is it then?"

"Getting laid"

"...Oh……yeah"

* * *

Happy and cackling in their studio, Clamp set out to work.

"I don't know what the characters were complaining about so much" Ohkawa hummed into her tea cup happily.

"Yeah, faced with the abuse our fans go through, the characters are having a ball" Apapa shared a sneaky grin with her leader.

"Uh….you guys?" Igarashi whimpered "What abuse?"

"Not writing anything in Seishiro's speech bubble in Vol. 16" Ohkawa smirked.

"Never letting out gay characters even kiss while daring to show Arashi and Sorata naked in bed after what is obviously some good old smexing" Apapa chimed in.

"'Forgetting' about making more of Goho Drug" Nekoi cackled.

"Never drawing Fuma and Seishiro standing next to each other from an angle that would allow the fans to know who is taller amongst the two" Ohkawa snarled evilly "so that they'll never know which of them was uke!"

The three burst into a fit of horrid, blood chilling laughter.

Igarashi shuddered. She shook herself out of it a moment later (well she was used to Clamp's evil by now wasn't she?)

"So you guys, why did you allow the Union to live? And why only X characters are allowed in it?"

"Because as long as they're in a strike we have an excuse to not finish X, of course"

"……Oh…..yeah….."

(The End)


End file.
